It’s my fault, really. I should know better than to engage with idiots online.
I typically have a rule for myself - no political debates on Facebook. They never go anywhere. They never solve anything. They never seem like a good use of my time.
So when a friend posted an article about one of Trump’s latest actions, I was doing my usual read-the-article, skim-the-comments, move-along approach. But this comment stopped me in my tracks. Surely, surely, this person can’t be serious. Right? Right? It’s 2017. Don’t we all know better than to use “thinking with his vagina”?
I hemmed and hawed. I questioned if it was worth commenting, worth opening the pandora’s box that was sure to follow. But it was three short days after the Women’s March. I was on fire from seeing the millions across the world who believed as I did, who see the world for what it is. I was also fired up from all the people claiming how women are already so equal and the march wasn’t necessary. With everything going on that’s currently going on, I couldn’t let it slide.
Thinking I would just make a coy comment, giving him room to detract his poor choice of wording, I innocently voiced wonder as to how one thinks with their vagina. I, after all, have a vagina. I have yet to ever use it for decision making. I was embodying that old saying - when a woman asks, “What?” it isn’t because she didn’t hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I gave him a chance. He decided to not take it. Instead, replied with “Emotional based decisions instead of using logic… Didn’t seem too complicated to me.”
Oh, no. Oh, no no no.
What proceeded was a 61 comment string, about Trump’s policy and the NDAP, about sexism and sarcasm, about vaginas and being a dick. At one point I was told I was providing fun “little breaks between [their] conversation”, which, silly me, I thought I was actually playing a part in the conversation. When I stated this, I was told to stop playing the victim. That’s right, after Mr. I’m-not-sexist condescendingly mentioned I wasn’t an active participant in the conversation of men, he told me to stop being a victim about it.
Too upset for words, I channeled the most badass lady boss I could think of, who has the most experience dealing with white, male I’m-not-sexist bullshit: I pulled a Hillary and bowed out of the conversation with a “delete your account”. (Sad day, I think my reference - like so many other things - went right over his head.)
Here’s the thing:
Words matter.
The word choices we make, the terms we associate with things, the dictation used for certain groups of people - it matters. How we speak about someone is how we treat them. So when someone dismissively deems a decision a good decision because the person making it “wasn’t thinking with his vagina”, it inherently makes anyone with a vagina a bad decision maker. It doesn’t matter if that wasn’t your intention, it matters you said it. “It’s just a saying!” isn’t an excuse for sexism, racism, or any other form of hate speech. The words we use matter, just as they way we treat people matters. If you’re using sexist word choice, you’re perpetrating sexism. It’s as simple as that.
There’s a time and place for sarcasm.
Excusing away sexist rhetoric is not one. When Mr. I’m-not-sexist tried to hide behind a SNL skit explaining sarcasm 101, it only further proved his ignorance. We don’t get to say bad things about certain people groups, and then claim sarcasm when we get called out for what we are. We don’t get to be shitty humans, and then claim sarcasm when people get hurt in the process. We don’t get to say whatever we want, and then claim sarcasm when people try to hold us to the consequences. Sarcasm is a useful literary and rhetorical device - it is not an invisibility cloak for your sexism.
Scientifically speaking, women aren’t more emotional than men.
And here’s the point where I’m going to lose most of you - but stay with me. Countless studies have proven that men and women process emotions differently. Women by and large report being more stimulated by emotional experiences; scans of the brain show men are more stimulated by them. Socially, women are allowed and encouraged to be more emotional than men, so culturally we’ve been given tools and passes that are normally not afforded to them - is this because society treats us differently or because biologically we’ve always been different? The good ol’ nature versus nurture argument takes over here, and we can go round in circles for years. There’s no definite answer on any of this - various studies always offer various points of view. Most do agree that women remember emotional experiences better then men and also portray higher levels of both empathy and depression. There’s yet to be any evidence of vaginas making decisions - but according to Mr. I’m-not-sexist, “anyone that argues women aren't more emotional are living in denial or single. It's fact.” so, I mean, maybe you should listen to him.
Regardless of science, when is being emotional ever a bad thing?? Looking down on women for being emotional and looking down on emotions are both inherently problematic. Any good decision maker, leader, or person should be able to healthfully balance logic and emotions - they aren’t mutually exclusive options.
Sexism needs to be called out.
Things don’t change unless we are aware there is a problem that needs fixing. People don’t change their actions, language, or choices until someone points out there is an issue with them. The whole reason I chose to break my cardinal rule of Facebook debates was because I saw, to me, an unacceptable word choice that needed addressing. We can’t change people, and we can’t always convince them of our ways (Mr. I’m-not-sexist still doesn’t see eye to eye with me) - but we can push back against things that need it.
After all this went down, I private messaged some of my guy friends who were also in the conversation but decided to debate Mr. I’m-not-sexist’s policy instead of his sexism. I encouraged them to, next time around, say something. Because we need more men speaking out against sexism - just as we need more white people speaking out against racism and more citizens speaking out against nationalism. Some people were born with certain platforms that allow them to be listened to in certain conversations; we need to consciously use these platforms to make this world a better place.
So, to the white man who thinks he isn’t sexist, was this logical enough for you? I tried to leave my vagina out of it.