I'd refer to you by name, but for now it's best I don't.
Everyone I've met thus far in my life has played a part in my story. And while some have taken up chapters, most just scribbled notes in the margins.
You are the one I want to grace all of the pages I have yet to write.
I've made no secret of the misfortunes in my life.
You expect your mid-20s to be a time for starting your life as an adult. You start a career, settle down with the one you love, and look to build a beautiful family together.
I wanted that -- more than anyone. I dreamed of being a husband and eventually a father. Unfortunately, it just wasn't my time. So instead of starting my life, I had to pick up the shattered pieces to one that was once filled with so much promise -- alone.
There are no words to describe that type of pain. It just hurts... like hell. The sun doesn't shine as brightly, life moves a little bit slower, and your heart -- it just doesn't beat the same way anymore.
There's this numbness -- to everything.
And so for the longest time, I've ventured along this broken road in hopes I would find something that would give my heart every reason to beat normally again. Pain made me fear it wouldn't, but faith led me to believe it would.
Regardless, I've journeyed. Along the way, life has pulled me in different directions, introduced me to new people, and given me a completely new perspective.
As I began to open the doors to another potential relationship, I forced myself to be extremely selective. I'm no longer 20-something looking for a girlfriend. I'm a 30-year-old man looking for a woman to build my life with.
"Settling for mediocre love isn't something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway."
Someone to complement me, and conquer everything with -- one who will stand by my side and love me no matter where this journey takes us.
Needless to say, what I'm looking for today is a lot different than ever before.
But I don't believe in using others as a Band-Aid to a cover up a wound, either.
Sure, I get lonely at times (a lot of times, actually). But you have to reserve that spot for someone special. If you give it away freely, it loses meaning, and you'll never fully appreciate the right person when they do come along.
Time is so damn important. It's precious and should never be wasted on someone who doesn't make your heart scream. So I'm hesitant in giving it just to anyone. I love a woman's companionship, but I'm not desperate for attention. While most men find value in making themselves available to any woman that gives them the time of day, I've made myself unavailable to most. Unorthodox, yes... but I value quality over quantity.
As for the ones who have gotten my time? Some have been kind, others not so much -- yet none have ever made my heart beat the way it once did.
I guess I expect to look at someone and just want every piece of them in my life. Their mind, body and soul... their hopes, dreams and fears.
I've thought at times, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't have the emotional capacity to feel that strongly for someone again."
You start to believe that pain sort of scars you and that everything you're looking for is unrealistic, especially when you're part of a generation whose dating habits consist of swiping on a screen.
Do I find that disappointing? For sure.
But settling for mediocre love isn't something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway.
So willingly, I've walked alone. In hopes that one day I'll take a glance at someone and feel that fire burn violently inside me once again. Someone whose hand I'll grab and march together with toward the moon.
As the years have passed, I've focused on bettering myself, building a strong career that will serve as the foundation for the life I wish to give my family, mastering my craft as a writer, but more importantly, rebuilding a part of myself that was once lost.
And I've lived, hoping one day, someday, something magnificent would happen; something that would make sense of everything I've been through.
Time has passed, but I've never lost faith.
And sure enough, I glanced up to notice something more magnificent than I could have ever dreamed.
I laid eyes on you, and nothing in my life has been the same since.
You were draped in this beautiful outfit that contoured your body like a glove. And your hair, it fell so elegantly on your shoulders. Everything around you was black and white, and you shined in color.
It was magical. In an instant, you changed my life.
That feeling I prayed about just sort of happened. It's that feeling we all get once in our life -- if we're lucky. And on that day, I guess luck was on my side.
You were this different kind of beautiful, unlike anything I had ever seen. When you smiled and looked my way -- I can't even explain what that did to me.
You made my heart beat in a crazy way, like never before.
It was like my eyes locked onto a soul that I waited years to find.
I felt something so deep within me, and I immediately knew that this broken road filled with pain and uncertainty led me to you.
And while I didn't know how or even why at that point, I knew I had to clear space in my mind for you to stay. In whichever capacity destiny had planned.
But I knew I would have to let you go until destiny allowed us to meet again.
I drove home that evening with this overwhelming desire to learn everything about you.
I wasn't sure if or when I'd see you again, but I was determined to find a way.
Of course, life is never that simple. Circumstances have prevented me from expressing my true feelings for you. But life teaches us that the greatest things are worth waiting for, right?
"You were this different kind of beautiful, unlike anything I had ever seen. In an instant, you changed my life."
Somehow I knew that it would take time and patience; both of which I already knew you were worth. And both of which I was prepared to give.
So I waited.
I spent months uncovering bits and pieces of you, in an ever-so-subtle way. Naturally, you've shared. And slowly but surely, two people, strangers in the not-so-distant past, became connected in this crazy world.
You've occupied my thoughts, been inspiration behind my words, and have given me hope to believe that, one day, I'll love again -- deeper than I have ever loved before.
Even if fate has a different plan for us.
And I need you to understand how important that it is to me.
I think so highly of you. I admire your drive, your passion and your dedication to everything that you love. I adore your innocence and commend the respect you have for yourself. But what captures my attention more than anything else is your simplicity.
You're such a beautiful person.
Behind everything the eye can see, behind all the glitz and the glamour, is a woman with worries and fears. Someone who loves and desires to be loved in return.
So carefully I've listened to everything you've shared with me. And believe me, I've remembered it all.
And I believe so deeply in those dreams of yours. So much, in fact, that I dream even bigger for you.
You're something real. And I'm grateful that you've trusted me enough to give me even the smallest glimpse inside your world.
I'm attracted to everything you've exposed me to.
Those big, beautiful eyes; so captivating.
Your laugh; innocent enough to bring a smile to the angriest of people.
That walk; striking and canny.
Your voice; how it giggles when we speak.
Your intelligence; and how you try to impress me with all you know.
But what I adore the most, what draws me in more than anything else, is that incredible smile.
My God, you take my breath away.
I talk about you to everyone. Like you're poetry to a world still learning the alphabet. And if I had one wish, I'd allow you to see how beautiful you are through my eyes.
Hearing your name or seeing it pop up on my iPhone brings this excitement. A feeling I deliberately waited for; and at times, feared I would never feel again.
So I savor every moment of this feeling because I've learned in my life how quickly things can change.
But I've refrained from sharing any of this with you -- by design.
Sure, I'm certain you're aware of my interest, I've made it rather obvious. But what I actually feel for you I've kept a deep secret -- until now, of course.
Why did I decide to put this out there?
Because I wanted the entire world to know how amazing I think you are. Sure, there are countless men who I'm certain appreciate your obvious outer beauty. But I cannot imagine there being another man in this world who sees your inner beauty the way I do.
It pains me to see you be treated any less than amazing.
I can only hope you give your heart to the person who wants to watch you fly.
"You're poetry to a world still learning the alphabet. And if I had one wish, I'd allow you to see how beautiful you are through my eyes."
I'm aware of what stands in my way, so purposefully, I've kept a safe distance. I've listened and observed, as any man should. But I've refused to be just another who comes along saying you deserve better, telling you how beautiful you are, all while promising you the world.
Truthfully speaking, I don't have a world to promise you. Just my company to explore it with.
What I can give you, though, is a piece of your soul that you never knew was missing and every reason to never stop smiling.
I've allowed my actions to speak louder than any word could. All in hopes that it becomes clear to you there's a man out there who just wants one thing: to make you happy.
Believe me, there's no time too long that will keep me from showing you what you truly deserve... even if that's my only purpose in your life.
If you find interest in me, I'd be honored. And if you don't, that's OK, too.
I believe in energy. And I believe that we're gravitated toward those whose energies we're meant to share. Clearly, I feel yours. And I don't think I met you just to meet you.
That's always been reason enough for me to entertain the idea of there one day being a "you and me."
Maybe this story has more chapters -- or maybe this is the end. Either way, there's something you should know.
You've changed my life.
In an instant, you unknowingly touched my heart, grabbed a piece of my soul, directed it at you, and gave me every reason to never look back.
In perfect harmony, I've released the deepest of my emotions in the smallest of doses.
But this... this is me opening up in ways I never have before.
I wish I could explain how it all happened, but I can't.
It just happened, exactly the way they describe in books and movies. The only difference is that this is real.
Just you and me. And a beautiful story that's waiting to be written.
I wasn't looking for you; you kind of just appeared.
And I don't know if it makes me believe in coincidence, fate or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.
You've made me feel what pain and heartache once threatened to take away. So for that, I'm thankful. And that has always been reason enough to pursue you in ways I have never pursued a woman: with deliberate care and a subtle persistence.
And while I may have the attention of people from all over the world, it's only yours that I want.
So for now, I'll watch you from a distance and continue to be your biggest fan.
But trust me, I'll come for you, when the time is right, to uncover everything.
Your hopes, your dreams, your biggest fears. What makes you laugh and what makes you cry.
And I'll leave more than flowers on your doorstep or kisses on your forehead. I'll leave my fingerprints on your soul and pull you close enough to touch your heart.
All so I can wipe away your tears and wash away the insecurities that have been left by those who have failed to love you correctly.
Because like a crisp, blue summer sky, you're the beautiful sight I want to get lost in day after day after day.