Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Company--
Tomorrow's the day wingnuts have dreaded for 7 years. Here are the details.
All Times ET
6:30 a.m. The President will revoke the Second Amendment and take away your precious guns. The President will depart Las Vegas en route to Los Angeles.
11:15 a.m. While in Los Angeles, the President will secretly meet his beloved Kenyan family and give them resettlement funds from your hard-earned tax money. The President will interrupt the meeting to deliver a cache of arms to a Mexican drug kingpin to be used against border agents. The meeting is closed press.
1:35 p.m. The President will lie about the failure of Obamacare at a private luncheon for donors. After lunch, the President will sell the ambassadorship to the Netherlands in a fun silent auction. This event will be open press with photo ops.
3:15 p.m. The President will depart Los Angeles, California en route to San Francisco, California. The arrival at the San Francisco International Airport is open to pre-credentialed media. At the airport, the President will christen the first of the new "All Gender" restrooms that will replace all public restrooms prior to the next election.
4:35 p.m. The President will perform gay marriage rites for 100 well-endowed gay men and women and receive millions in illegal campaign contributions. The receptions will be funded with a grant from the Election Quid-pro-Quo Program of the Department of Education. The bar is open to the press.
6:10 p.m. The President will deliver the keynote speech at a Planned Parenthood gala. The event will be open to the liberal press. No open carry permitted.
7:20 p.m. The President will order the IRS to target all conservative voters at a fundraiser hosted by Hollywood liberal Steven Spielgberg at a private residence. The President will affirm the harmful effects of climate change but deny the existence of Islamic terrorism. There will be print pool coverage of the President's remarks.
8:00 p.m. The President will deliver remarks about his planned One World Government and take questions at a Trilateral Commission reunion at the man-cave of a private residence in Malibu. The reunion is closed to the press.
10:00 p.m. Before retiring for the evening, the President will sign an executive order appointing himself President for Life. The celebration will be open press but cell phones will be confiscated upon entry and returned upon exit.
11:50 p.m. The President will repeat his daily affirmation in front of the bathroom mirror: "Tomorrow, No More Mr. Nice Guy."