This is dedicated to those who claim to accept and respect homosexuality and yet squirm and turn away from the sight of a same-sex kiss; to those who call their gay child to ask if it was "really necessary to publicize their relationship on Facebook"; to those who insist on referring to one's same-sex partner as her "friend" or "roommate." This is also to the queer people who, by sitting quietly and conforming along, enable the behavior. These are my musings on the famous "I accept it; but now hide it" issue.
I am sure most of us from the LGBT community have stories to tell. When I first came out, family members gave me some version of the "I accept your choice." Many of their actions, however, proved otherwise. Shortly after I came out, I made public on social media my relationship with a woman. My aunt wrote me a message; with the subject "ridiculous," it read: "I have no prejudice against your option, I have gay friends I adore but this was unnecessary; please, take it off." After patiently trying to explain I wasn't going to hide anything, it went downhill. She told me, in capital letters, that I was challenging her, destroying her family (hers, not mine or ours), being pathetic, and acting ridiculously. Yet nearly every email I received from her started with some variation of "I accept you, but..."
People often say "acceptance is not enough" when it comes to homosexuality. I, however, think it is. The problem is that often "I accept" means "I tolerate." Being tolerant means putting up with something you don't quite like the idea of; something with which you don't agree and have negative feelings associated. Saying "I accept and just want you to be happy" followed by a "why do you need to publicize the homosexual relationship?" or simply an avoidance to speak about your son's boyfriend is not acceptance. Acceptance means feeling nothing is wrong with it. Accepting is regarding as true, as normal, as proper; it is understanding and even welcoming. Confusing the two semantically can look somewhat ignorant and be quite harmful to a gay person (and you know every time a gay is harmed, an angel cries to a Tori Amos song).
In truth, there is always a process -- and it is not easy for anyone. My cousin Thatiana Rei once wrote: "The cliché claims 'the generation of our parents wasn't prepared for this.' But the truth is that we are not born prepared for anything. Nobody is." It is okay -- and rather beautiful (and beautifully aware) -- to say "I tolerate this; I don't yet accept it, but give me a bit of time -- I am working on it." Humans can't be expected to accept just about anything in just about no time. The pain parents must go through when having to challenge and review their concepts, stigmatized views and expectations they had for their offspring should not be dismissed. It can be a very hard process -- and being aware of where we are is fundamentally important to be able to move and get anywhere.
If you have a child and stopped asking about marriage or kid plans once you learned they are gay; if you avoid the question "is your daughter dating anyone?" because you wouldn't like to say she dates women; if you don't see same-sex relationships as normal relationships and act differently than you would around straight couples, this is for you: No, you don't accept it yet -- but it's okay. We are all in it together -- in the core of things, we all want to love and be loved, accept and be accepted. We can hold hands through the process and I will try my best to be understanding of your limitations; we can start by having you ask if my girlfriend and I plan on having kids. Yes! And what do you think of the name Grace for our first girl?, I'll ask you.
