Tom Brady Can't Wear Five Rings At Once

The media is falling all over itself congratulating Tom Brady on winning his fifth Super Bowl championship ring.

But what message are we sending our children about over-consumption and materialism when we idolize one man for his pursuit of five rings when practical science and rules of fashion have established he could never wear five rings at once?

What do I tell my son when he asks why one man needs so many rings while Matt Ryan and Cam Newton and Andrew Luck have none?

Not only does wearing five rings look ridiculous, but it's also dangerous. Super Bowl rings are bulky and heavy. Try wearing five thick bands and closing your hand into a fist. The hand won't close. The grip is ineffective. How many accidents will Tom Brady cause because he can't grip a steering wheel?

How many forklift and heavy machinery accidents are we willing to ignore?

And if you don't work in the forklift industry and need an example that hits closer to home, answer me this: Would you allow shaky-handed Tom Brady to pour your children scalding hot coffee? Andrew Luck, yes. Tom Brady, no thanks.

A man only has two ring fingers, and Tom Brady is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen so one ring finger is already spoken for. If he takes off his wedding ring in order to wear a second Super Bowl ring, what message are we sending our children? Is winning a Super Bowl more important than being married to a supermodel?

No. Statistically speaking, marrying a supermodel is much more difficult than winning a Super Bowl.

Wearing all those rings also reduces circulation in the fingers, and Brady puts himself at greater risk of finger amputation, probably. How many Americans have fingers amputated each year in ring-related circulation-reduction incidents? The answer may surprise you.

And me. If you know the answer please leave a link in the comments section. I know you're thinking the total number must be low because you don't personally know anyone who's lost a finger to a ring incident. But do you personally know anyone married to a supermodel? Are the two rare events connected?

No. But clearly we can agree Tom Brady should retire.