Top 10 Reasons Living With A Toddler Is Like Living With A Drunk Person

“Look at me, Mommy!”
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Yes, you read the headline right. Parents, I figured it out. As I stared at my wide-eyed, what-the-heck-just-happened-to-me 2-year old, who laid on the bathroom floor in disarray looking up at me, it hit me… living with a toddler is like living with a drunk person.

You see, I asked my daughter to join me in the bathroom, as I was home alone with her and needed to iron my clothes. Our ironing board is attached to the back of the bathroom door, so technically I lock myself in when I need to iron. Of course, she could not do damage with me by her side, unlike if I was locked in a room with her free to roam the house. It was two minutes. That is it! And, in two minutes she caused enough damage for an hour worth of repair work.

“Look at me, Mommy!” And as I turned, my 2-year-old had moved her potty over to the wall, stood on top of its lid and was hanging from our towel rack. When she lifted her little feet backwards into the air the towel rack ripped in a hurry from the wall, pulling some of the dry wall, and she crashing to the ground.

Yep! Just like living with a drunk person.

#1. They spill their drinks all over the floor ― I have physically witnessed my daughter laugh as she squeezed the life out of a juice box and watched the sugary substance spill all over the floor. Leaky bottle in the bed? No worries! We like sleeping in wet bed sheets. If there is a drink in our home without a screw top lid, well then we are just that – screwed.

#2. They are always getting hurt -- Clumsy! My toddler will walk straight into a wall or door. This morning when we opened the front door to leave, she tumbled outside onto our porch. Flat out tumbled. It is like her feet are their very own tripping hazard.

#3. They cry… a lot! Their emotions are all over the place. My daughter has cried recently because I would not allow her to open glitter eye shadow she found in my old makeup bag (heck, I cried that I wore that stuff), because her bottle of milk seemed too cold, because the toy bucket in the shower had cold water in it from the night before, and because I told her she could not eat butter out of the butter container with a spoon.

#4. They ask why way too much -- Everything is why? Everything! Our dinner conversation the other night went something like this.

Me: Eat your food.

2-year-old: Why?

Me: Because it is dinner time.

2-year-old: Why?

Me: Because you have to eat before you go to bed.

2-year-old: Why?

Me: Do you want to be hungry before bed?

2-year-old: Why?

Me: Because.

2-year-old: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

2-year-old: Because Why?

Me: Why?

2-year-old: Why?

Fork dropped.

#5. You cannot have nice things ― Hence my story above. We now have a hole in our bathroom wall and ripped drywall. All thanks to a “Look at me, Mommy” hang! Don’t even get me started on my carpets!

#6. They do not care what scene they make in public -- It does not matter that the restaurant is full and your client is seated with his wife across the room. They could care less if the lady at the end of the grocery store aisle goes to your church. Really, really could care less as they knock over the display and you are left deciding if you should clean it up or run for cover. Heck, the mere fact that there are eyes upon them means nothing, their emotions show through regardless of who is around. There is no need to impress and zero care about causing a scene.

#7. The flip their dinner plates -- Don’t like that? Ah! Just throw it off the table. We love cleaning up beneath and around you.

#8. My phone has drunk dials -- I do not know why I have not yet learned from my mistakes. Lo has called a business contractor on my husband’s phone at 9 p.m. at night and FaceTimed one of my old colleges. Awesome!

#9. They want pizza, Oreos or chicken nuggets for breakfast all the time -- My daughter wakes up asking for gummies! Partly my fault since we do give her a vitamin gummie so she then thinks she can have a bag. She will cry for pizza for breakfast and ice cream just before dinner. It is like she could eat all the time.

#10. They can fall asleep anywhere -- In the car, on the floor, across your lap, any where other than their crib or bed. My favorite was after a long day and a missed nap, she walked in the house, boots and snow coat still on, scuffled over to her toy couch and face dived into the cushion and just laid there.

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