Theories about the origins of Valentine's Day abound, but to the disappointment of conspiracy theorists everywhere, one thing is clear - it predates Hallmark by centuries. As it turns out, the more likely origins tie back to a handful of misfortunate martyrs, all appropriately (and, I assume, retroactively) named Saint Valentine. For me, the most compelling of the various histories involves Saint Valentine who, rebuffed by his mistress, was so distraught that he took a knife to his chest and sent his still-beating heart to her as a token of his undying (whoops) love.
You have to hand it to this audacious Saint V, who I imagine as a sort of 16th century version of Nick Cage in Wild At Heart. Admittedly, his heart-rending is overly dramatic, highly impractical and just plain gross - but it's still way cooler than showing up with chocolates and red roses. (And since when do saints have mistresses anyway?)
Unfortunately, Valentine's Day seems to have lost some of its zing since this auspicious beginning. As it so often is, the evidence is in the consumer data. Last Valentine's Day, highly imaginative lovers bought 214 million roses in the U.S., 59% of them being red. My guess is that the other 41% were bought by guys who were panic-stricken when they learned that the red ones had already sold out.
Though this Hallmark press video unintentionally indicates otherwise (and don't miss the dancing Valentine's automatons at 0:55), all is not lost. Our modern Valentine's Day is still a "holiday with benefits," though some are less obvious than others. For a fresh perspective on this misunderstood holiday, contemplate these Top 10 Reasons To Look Forward To Valentine's Day -
#10. Your internet connection will be faster. Given that on a typical day, 99.99% of online traffic is porn, and given that most couples spend Valentine's Day together (preventing them from watching porn, which is still primarily an individual hobby), it follows that there will be a significant drop in porn downloads, resulting in a significant increase in available bandwidth. This will make it much faster for other people to do things online. Like watch porn, for instance.
#9. The roads will be safer. According to Nielsen, during Valentine's week, US consumers will buy more than 58 million pounds of chocolate. Divide that across our population, and you'll end up with about 0.2 pounds of chocolate for every man, woman and toddler in the country. Chocolate contains theobromine, a stimulant akin to caffeine. And, as everybody knows, caffeine makes people drive better.
#8. It will almost certainly be better than the day before, which is Friday the 13th.
#7. You will be buzzed by noon. As the holiday falls on a Saturday this year, everyone will be out for Valentine's brunch. And since it is mandated, somewhere, that every meal on Valentine's Day is Prix Fixe (and the Prix Fixe business model works best with alcohol included), we will all be having mimosas. Cheers.
#6. There will be a creative renaissance. Over 125 million red roses will be cut for our nation's florists, grocery stores and corner bodegas to meet the holiday demand. I learned in junior high that flowers are the sex organs of plants. That same Social Studies class, taught by the father of my sweetheart at the time, left me with the clear understanding that without genitalia it would be difficult to reproduce. Red roses will be brought to the brink of extinction by this mass deflowering, triggering a moratorium on their sale. Then, people will be required to think of new ways to express their sentiments.
#5. People will be cooler. As part of the aforementioned renaissance, millions of otherwise perfectly normal people will become poets just in time for Valentine's Day, as they inscribe the one billion cards that the US Gift Card Association estimates will be given. The poets I know wear black. People wearing black are often mistaken for designers, and everyone knows that designers are cool.
#4. Singles will be seeking seconds. Contrary to conventional wisdom, Valentine's will be a good night for singles to be out. At date-incompatible venues, such as your local dive, chances are that your friend at the other end of the bar will also be single, and there for the same reason you are - to get more mimosas.
#3. You will be wilder than statistically anticipated. The National Retail Federation predicts that 58% of us will be giving cards, 46% of us will be giving candy and 36% of us will be giving flowers. If you can manage to think of something sexier, you'll eclipse the rest of us. Distinguish yourself.
#2. Sex.
#1. Anything goes. Valentine's Day is a special occasion. "Special Occasions" are distinguished from "Normal Occasions" by being out of the ordinary. If you're interested in trying something new with your significant other, Valentine's Day offers an excellent excuse for straying from the script.
Go ahead, earn yourself a new nickname.
A few final pointers to make the most of the day -
Be decisive. Wear the pants in the family, and tell your significant other that you'd like to make the plans for some or all of the day.
Plan ahead. Last minute arrangements will stress you out, cost you more, and be second-rate. If you want to do it right, consider doing it right now.
Get creative. Believe it or not, it IS the thought that counts. If you're going to give a card, make it yourself. If you're going to give flowers, select and arrange them yourself. You know your lover better than Hallmark or the florist.
Single-task. On this day, of all days, focus on the two of you. Turn off the cell. Ignore America's next top model strutting by. Don't pick a fight with the cabbie.
Ask Jimmyjane. I hear they've got answers.