There were a lot of lessons to be learned from JoJo's first dates, so let's dive right in:
1. Have a positive, can-do, lighthearted attitude like Wells. Is DJ Skellington ripped? No, but he's happy to hang out at the pool in a bathing suit, sans sun shirt. Does he have physical endurance? No, but he stepped up to the plate with a smile when chosen for the final three-person firefighting challenge -- and that was after he almost passed out from dehydration and heat stroke. Did he come in dead last in that race? Yes, but he laughed about it instead of fretting over how humiliating it was. Being the kind of person who tries new things, goes with the flow, and has an unbreakable sense of humor will earn you the real-life equivalent of a rose on your own dates.
2. Learn to communicate your feelings. Jim from "The Office" (Derek) had a harder time getting out his thoughts about his last relationship than a long-haired cat coughing up a particularly stubborn hairball. It's a testament to how our society has failed to teach boys how to stay in touch with their emotions and express their feelings, which are not feminine qualities but human qualities we beat out men as they grow up. Watch "The Mask You Live In" streaming on Netflix now, stat.
3. Don't say "Thank you" after a romantic kiss. This seems to be a bad habit JoJo is forming. A kiss is not a gift, it's not a badge of honor, it's not a gesture of approval for which you should be grateful. A romantic kiss should be a mutual exchange of lust and/or love. The only people who should be saying "Thank you" after a kiss are a kid to their parent for fixing their booboo and a client to their sex worker for fixing their dry spell.
4. Don't be a Chad. The clear villain of this season, "Gristle Dick" (pictured above) is a walking litany of don'ts: he's judgmental, he betrays his insecurities by exhibiting extreme disaffection and nonchalance, he negs women he likes (straight out of the tired PUA playbook), he apparently exclusively eats so much animal meat that he could be held responsible for the disappearance of vast swaths of the rain forest, he chews with his mouth open, and he excessively uses the phrase "be a man." By talking incessantly about "being a man," about JoJo "wanting a man," about how the other guys in the house are "not real men" because they don't fit his narrow definition of ideal masculinity (i.e. himself), Chad reveals his deep-seated sexism. If you're not a true man, then it follows that you're a woman, or at least feminine, which is somehow a demotion, an insult, an inferior rung on the social ladder, in Chad's world view. Unless you want the kind of man who will belittle you (or even possibly beat you) for being late with his dinner, run away JoJo, run away fast.
5. Don't reek of desperation. All that said about Chad, it pains us to admit that we totally agree with some of what he had to say about the faux dating environment the Bachelor/ette franchise creates. We've always wondered why so many contestants -- almost all of them over 14 years on the air -- seem to step out of the limo already fully in love with whomever happens to be the Bachelor or the Bachelorette that season. How can you be head over heels for someone you've only just met and know nothing about? How can you be ready to profess undying love after what amounts to only a few hours spent together -- often in the presence of multiple fellow suitors -- under highly unrealistic circumstances? "You all don't know her yet, you can't be in love with her," protested Chad. "If you are, that's weird." He finally said out loud (albeit in a totally dickish way) what we've been waiting to hear from a contestant for forever.