Are you finally done with health?
Are you sick and tired of having a ravenous libido, a quick metabolism, an energetic body, and a full head of hair? Are you sick and tired of feeling good all of the damn time?
Five years ago, I decided I was done with thriving in my perfectly vitamin-rich, warm body. I was exhausted by the mere fact that I was feeling good so many days out of the year, and I knew it was time to do something about it.
So what did I do?
I took charge of my obnoxiously ethereal health and decided to get a "sick pack."
Deep down, I knew it was time to join the rest of the fitness industry and let my body go to the cold, damp body pit where all perfectly functioning bodies go to give up their voluptuous curves, smooth digestion and mighty strong nails.
Who needs that when you can have a deceptively healthy-looking but yet very weak body?
I decided that external admiration was more important. Who doesn't want to receive admiration from strangers in a strange "fitness" world that all suffer together in their "fitness" industry?
So I set out for my "sick pack."
Here are the top 5 ways I received my "sick pack" and you can too!
1. Give up your freedom
Get ready to lock down on your meal, sleep and exercise timing! Your life is about to become one big schedule; everything from the blueberries you ingest in your morning smoothie to the black coffee you have at 10 a.m. and finally to the chicken and broccoli you eat before bed must be scheduled on the dot. Freedom? Who needs that when you can have a lean, perfectly useless "sick pack"? I love my "sick pack" because now, I can live my life by a set of rules, regulations and restrictions. My intuition used to always get in the way, but not anymore! I don't care if my body asks to go for a walk instead of a two-hour extensive run without any breaks. I don't care if my body wants beef instead of chicken. It doesn't have a choice anymore. I love my new freedom-less life; it's taken all the distracting choices life throws my way away from me and now, everything is scheduled and ready to be performed, which means I can even use my senses and brain less than ever before. So many benefits!
2. Give up your sex life
My body used to have so much juices, urges, and desires. Now, with my new "sick pack," feel absolutely nothing! Life became soooo much less complicated when I got my "sick pack" because my body no longer asked for makeout sessions or bedtime wrestling matches with my lover. But don't think you have to give up your sex life only after you get your "sick pack" because you can start now! Simply give your partner a heads up that you have a new priority, and things are about to change. I'm sure he or she will hate that a good deal, but it's okay! You are well on your way to a "sick pack," and you might as well get used to a life without sex right now so that once your "sick pack" arrives and you feel weak and tired all the time, you'll already be accustomed to the change. Sweet sickness will be on its way soon!
3. Give up your warmth
Don't you just love a hard, cold body? I know I sure do now that my body is cold all the time! When my metabolism started to slow down from the lack of food and calories, my body stopped radiating any kind of bodily heat. It was awesome! Now, wherever I go, I'm freezing and shivering. Of course, I can't show off my "sick pack" anywhere because I have to wear a long-sleeve shirt, jacket pants, socks and sneakers, but who cares about those little details? I can just obsessively tell people that I have a "sick pack" and make sure every conversation revolves around my body. Plus, now I drink coffee and tea constantly, which keeps me warm for a few minutes at a time and keeps me energized with caffeine! Who cares about my oncoming adrenal fatigue? It's truly such a great replacement for the whole foods I used to eat every day.
4. Give up regular poops
The next step for preparing for your "sick pack" is detaching from the idea of having a smooth digestive system. I used to go poop every single day, which was such a bore, but now I only go every few days or so with the aid of a laxative! Ever since I stopped feeding my body a nice array of foods and fiber due to my strict calorie deficit meal plan, my body has had to work extra hard to make anything move in there. That means more calories are being burned, hence my "sick pack" is burning extra calories! I no longer care that my body isn't functioning like most other peoples, plus I don't have to worry about going to the bathroom at my lover's place anymore! I just love my life!
5. Give up all dreams outside of your "sick pack"
Do you want to have kids? Well that might not happen anymore because your "sick pack" could take away your periods and play around with your hormones. Do you want to build an equal partnership with your love? Stop that silly, your life belongs to your "sick pack!" Do you want to create your own business? You goof ball, that's not going to happen. There's no more time in your day to focus on anything outside of eating every three hours and working out twice a day. I used to get so overwhelmed with all of my various dreams and ambitions... my head was always spinning! Now that I only focus on having a "sick pack," I have absolutely no time, energy or drive to focus on anything else.
There you have it! If you're ready to finally give up everything in order to have the "sick pack" of your dreams, you're well on your way to having a body that no longer functions well, no longer radiates heat, can't produce babies, can't sleep well, feels full of anxiety, stops desiring sex, and doesn't metabolize food like it once did.
What's not to love?
If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.