Top 7 Love Lessons from "The Bachelorette" (Uruguay Dates)

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We had to wait two long, grueling weeks for the next installment of The Bachelorette, but last night's reprieve finally, mercifully came. Sadly, it didn't deliver on the Chad drama we were promised, but instead only made his Neanderthal ways seem somewhat justified in the face of an angry coiffed mob (we hate it when Chad makes sense!). The testosterone was flowing, and it didn't abate with Chad's departure. In fact, the men seemed more aggressive than usual, manhandling JoJo, leading with their dicks, calling competitors "little bitches." Rather than JoJo having all the power and calling the shots and making the moves, the guys seemed more in control, like they were playing a football game wherein each was trying to score their own touchdown (and yes, in this analogy, JoJo is the spray-tanned ball). The main take-away from the show seemed to be Don't be a "Replacement Chad," but other love lessons were learned:

1. If you feel the need to write a love poem, don't read it out loud. The percentage of men who pen poetry in the world of The Bachelorette is disproportionately large compared to the general male population. This strongly suggests that the producers may be trading sonnets for certain freedoms ("If you write JoJo a poem, we'll give you an extra 10 minutes at the hotel gym" or "...we'll let you call your mom, but just this once" or "...we'll maybe consider giving you a deck of UNO" or "...instead of more red wine, we'll give you a 4 ounce bottle of water"), like it's some televised version of the Forum. If you happen to be one of those people who don't need such draconian incentives to get in touch with your inner e. e. cummings, then by all means let the love lines flow! But please, just deliver the finished poem and let your overwrought words and cliched rhymes speak for themselves -- don't read it aloud to the object of your affection like you're at a poetry slam. The Bachelorette is a TV show; they need that kind of awkward action. You are not on TV, and therefore do not need to publicly embarrass yourself. You're welcome.
 
2. Don't call any woman "Ma'am." We don't care how ironically you mean it or how adorable your Southern accent is (Jim from "The Office"). No woman -- except maybe your Grammy -- wants to be called "Ma'am." #outdated
 
3. Beware of love goggles. JoJo has sensed all along that Jordan's not to be trusted. Prior to the show she met one of his ex-girlfriends who said he cheated on her. When JoJo asked Jordan about the ex, he looked like a toddler caught stuffing an entire box of graham crackers down his diaper: his eyes started darting, he gulped audibly, his nostrils flared like he smelled something putrid, beads of sweat glistened on his brow, he took a sip of his drink to stall -- all tell-tale signs that he'd been busted! But after stumbling through an awkward explanation and simply saying "No" to the question "Was there cheating?" Jordan was off the hook! Despite all the obvious signs that her gut was right (i.e. he's just in this for a future sports casting deal). But, oh, those boyish good looks, those rippling muscles, that floppy hair -- JoJo just heard what she wanted to hear. At one point she actually said "I don't want to hear X," and so she didn't!

 
4. Spa days aren't just for ladies. Sure, the producers framed Robbie and Jordan's spa treatments like the girlie indulgences of silly metrosexuals. But did their toenail claws get tamed, were their blackheads purged, and did the swollen bags under their eyes from the steady stream of red wine they're fed finally deflate? In other words, were they well prepared for an intimate beach date? Yes. 'Nuff said.

 
5. Don't wear shirts with an American flag motif . On a date...or anywhere for that matter! We don't care how close it is to the 4th of July, there should not be stars on your sleeves or stripes across your chest, Chase AND John Krasinski The only place those belong is on a pole.

 

6. Read the signs. If your date is sniffling, licking her dry lips, and staring at you with dead eyes beneath drooping lids while you yammer on and on about yourself (Alex), please realize she is drunk and tired and should be given some water, maybe some coffee, and encouraged to go to bed. Failing to do so because you've got your "eye on the prize" is how otherwise decent guys can become Brock Turners.
 

7. When someone tells you they are in love with you, please don't say "Thank you." Anything but "thank you."

    And here are a few more bonus truths, because the more you know...
  • It's "Goodnight, sweet prince" not "Farewell, sweet prince" but hey, points for trying to quote Shakespeare, Wells.
  • Not everyone named Chad is a bad Chad (but you may be fighting an uphill battle if that's what's on your birth certificate).
  • You can't have a 360 degree view of the ocean (E.D. Evan), unless perhaps you're standing on the highest point of a fairly small island.
  • Don't believe everything you read in a celebrity gossip magazine. In fact, don't believe anything you read in a celebrity gossip magazine.


  • Beware the hair stylist/barber who has a terrible haircut (we're looking at you, Caesar...er, Vinnie).

  • Vocal fry is not just an affect of women's voices: men do it all the time! See almost every contestant on The Bachelorette, but especially Robby (their date was a veritable Battle of the Vocal Fries).
  • You can't have fallen in love with someone before you've had your first one-on-one date. Sorry (Robby), you just can't!
  • If you're not already an amazing guy, appearing on a reality television show will not suddenly and miraculously turn you into one (Evan). In fact, chances are it will have the opposite effect.