You are soulfully attracted to the bass player in the band you see every weekend. He looks your way, but does he want your number or are you picking up the wrong tune? You've had a thing for your cutie co-worker forever, and he is finally single. He lingers when you pass him the latest status report, but is he just being cordial? When you are secretly lusting or crushing on someone, should you say something?
Navigating the maze of potential love leads can be confusing, not to mention highly embarrassing if you make a wrong move. The risks are high, but so is the opportunity for romantic reward. To crack the code of top secret romance, we asked clinical psychologist Dr. Barbara Greenberg to break it down for us.
"People keep their affections secret for a number of reasons," Greenberg tells us.
Many people may be afraid their feelings will not be reciprocated, and so they stay silent.
"Honestly, almost everyone has a fear of rejection, particularly when their tender feelings are involved," she says. The person with the crush may be involved with someone else, or may not even understand if they are feeling affection or just admiration.
How to tell if someone's crushin' on you...
"Sometimes, these feelings are difficult to sort out," Greenberg says.
Not everyone is an open book when it comes to romantic interest. Think someone might be crushing on you, but aren't sure how to tell? The heart works in mysterious ways, but there are some tried-and-true ways to get a read on a potential romance. (See: The Secret Lives of Women)
For starters, Greenberg says, look at the person's eyes.
"Pupils dilate when individuals are attracted to someone," she says. "The smitten person will give you loads of attention and talk to you and about you a lot! There will be all sorts of excuses to make contact."
Should you spill your secret feelings?
Being on the receiving end of a crush can be flattering, but what if we're the one who's been hit by Cupid's arrow? To confess or not to confess - that is the question.
"I don't know that a confession is needed," Greenberg says. "A confession may lead to some very uncomfortable dynamics particularly if the feelings are not reciprocated."
Instead, she suggests putting effort into spending time with "said crush" to see if s/he is a good match and reciprocates. Ask yourself: Does my crush seem to hang around me a lot, greet me warmly and frequently and/or seek me out? Simply put, if your crush is paying lots of attention to you then s/he may very well be interested in you.
But what if your lips are sealed because your would-be love loves someone else? If your secret crush is already in a relationship, Greenberg says, be very careful.
"I have seen many, many individuals get deeply hurt because they act on their affection and they then get involved in romantic triangles," she warns. "Steer clear of people who are already involved." Read that as--- if they are taken, they are taken!!!!
However, she says, there is no harm in keeping someone on your radar if their relationship is on the way out.
And what if your crush is a coworker? According to Greenberg, this is very common.
"You develop affection for those who you become familiar with," she explains. Familiarity breeds comfort and sometimes even crushes - but office romances come with a caveat.
If the relationship goes bust, you'll have to see your ex every day at the morning meeting or at the water cooler.
"If you absolutely must get involved with a co-worker, then try very hard to separate work from the relationship," she recommends. Keeping your love life private is always wise.
If you think someone is into you, read the signs - there might be a potential romance just around the corner. The body language is always there; it's up to you to crack the chemistry code and decide if it's smart to make a move.
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