Top 10 Reasons Trump Is the Perfect American Evangelical

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This article first appeared at Patheos.

David Letterman retired this past spring, and one hopes the nightly Top Ten List has been retired along with him like a well-worn NBA jersey. However, that won't stop me, a lifelong Letterman fan, from doing my own weekly Top Ten List - with a faith and culture twist. Paul, drumroll please...

Number 10...

Strongly believes a woman (Megyn Kelly) should not be permitted to teach a man (Trump) and must be quiet (shut up)

Number 9...

"Evangelicals love me"

Number 8...

Loves the Bible, both Testaments, very special to him. Favorite verse is definitely that one where Jesus or Moses or one of those guys declares bankruptcy protection, marries a supermodel, and deports some immigrants

Number 7...

"The Holy Ghost, yeah sure, met him at a gala at the Tower, '97 I think. I like him, class act. Next question."

Number 6...

Like most American evangelicals, attends church to feel better about his excessive wealth, egregious spending, and general hostility towards the poor and all minorities except "foreigners that look like Melania"

Number 5...

Always asks his hairstylist to give him "the 80's televangelist"

Number 4...

Strongly believes in preaching the gospel to all nations, if by "gospel" you mean "go back to your own country so we can make America white again, I mean great again"

Number 3...

Just booked a golf foursome with the Trinity at Trump National

Number 2...

New campaign slogan: God, guns, and systematic corporate greed

And the Number 1 reason Donald Trump is the perfect American evangelical...

Rapture-ready hairpiece

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(This week's Top Ten was partly inspired by Jonathan Merritt's great piece over at The Atlantic. Read it!)

[Photo: Steve Jurvetson, CC via Flickr]