The Blog

Worse Spokespeople Than Bristol Palin

1. George W. Bush for(Reading Is Fundamental). He's is not just the former president, he's a client.
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So a lot of people have been giving poor little Miss (not Mrs. mind you) Bristol Palin flack for actively advocating abstinence as a realistic option for the disaffected, hyper-sexualized MTV Generation (not by example but by hypocrisy).

To be fair, she is not alone. A good share of public personages have recently taken unexpected stances on major issues of the day. Here are ten of them:

1. George W. Bush for RIF (Reading Is Fundamental). He's is not just the former president, he's a client.

2. John and Elizabeth Edwards to host Parents Without Partners mixers. In hopes of finally pairing off party-girl Rielle Hunter and her illegitimately conceived offspring. They're waiting till after the Oprah appearance, though, as ongoing rumors of the not-so-immaculate conception will no doubt boost book sales (Oprah's Book Club? Fingers crossed!).

3. Dick Cheney to head Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. Why shoot someone solely in the head when you and your compatriots can waterboard him 183 times? Bullets are for p*ssies!... or close friends in the woods.

4. David Duke becomes major supporter of NAACP. Advocates new "no Colored or Jew" membership plan.

5. Wilbur (of Charlotte's Web fame) named new spokespig for Tourism in Mexico. Claims Swine Flu Pandemic to be anti-Mexican media driven conspiracy and that the Mesoamerican hot spot is actually "some", "terrific", "radiant", "humble" country. Offers free buttermilk baths to first 100 people to book a flight. Still continues to cross-promote his international crusade against arachnophobia.

6. Nadya Suleman argues for hysterectomies. As long as all removed uteruses are implanted within her body (AKA the "Baby Factory ").

7. Ron Paul makes the case for the Somali pirate's plight. Proposes we contract them as an independent militia to overthrow our over-bloated federal agencies and restore the gold standard, starting with the doubloon (YouTube video coming soon--currently being transferred from his Betamax machine).

8. Noam Chomsky becomes the new face of the WTO (World Trade Organization). Points out that while it is simply a tool to enforce hegemonic obedience to U.S. interests and rationalize our intervention across the globe, it sure is fun to run. Overheard to say: "Wow, what a rush! Suck it, Nader!!!"

9. Rick Santelli starts up Tea Baggers for Taxes. Abandoning all previous qualms with Obama's economic policies, he now calls on all citizens to send packages of Earl Grey, Orange Pekoe, Green, Oolong, and Darjeeling tea to both congressmen and senators who advocate not only for the mortgage bailout but universal healthcare, public works projects and education reform. His bizarre behavior is rumored to be related to recent unconventional glaucoma treatments received in California. Has also been seen doing shots with Rielle Hunter (currently searching for a step-baby daddy--she gets around), who's allegedly working on sweet talking him into producing and starring in a re-make of Network for TBS.

10. Levi Johnson for Planned Parenthood. Perhaps the best reason to support a woman's right to choose.