Long Hair, Full Boners, Can't Lose

Breeze past any lady magazine and you'll see that female celebrities are chopping off their high-maintenance locks by the dozens. While most of us fall into the "don't give a crap" camp, one man in particular has been so deeply affected by the trend, he took key to Internet and did the unthinkable -- he penned a tirade on TotalFratMove.com titled "Why Girls Should Not Cut Their Hair Short."

The piece is written by Roger Sterling Jr. -- not John Slattery or Matthew Weiner -- but a nom de plume for another person who is too brave to give his actual name. In his article, (fake) Roger Sterling Jr. breaks down his very specific reasons why girls should think twice before handing a photo of Michelle Williams to a hair care professional and saying "me have that."

(I'll discuss in detail, but if you want a spoiler, it's because all the boners will dry up, forcing all the surviving boners out of Boner Town, leaving nothing but abandoned boner husks and tumbleweeds.)

(impostor) Roger Sterling Jr. starts off his opus with a little history on how all men were raised to get boners:

"None of us grew up looking at or imagining ourselves with women rocking a solid scissor fade. Still, over the past couple of years, there has been a disturbing trend spreading across gender lines: pixie cut"

So many hot women are cutting off their boner power centers -- Michelle Williams, Carey Mulligan, Beyonce, who, let's be honest, just showed us what her hair looks like under her millions of wigs, Charlize Theron, (or as my aunt Cathy calls her "Charlyne Theron"), Halle Berry, Miley Cyrus, Sienna Miller, Natalie Portman, and, the woman who I believe put the final nail in the pixie cut boner killing coffin, Jennifer Lawrence.

(phony) Roger Sterling Jr. lists three reasons why short haircuts are a bad idea
(again, it does have to do with the supply and demand of boners -- bonernomics, if you will).

If Celebrities Can't Pull it Off, You Can't

You might look at Rihanna and think That's edgy. That's worth aiming for, but she also rocks the "I just got punched by my boyfriend" look, so her judgment is questionable at best.

You know, I've been waiting so long for someone to make a domestic abuse joke about Rihanna! It took a man on a crusade against short hair to have the guts to finally say it -- a hilarious joke about a woman who was hit by her boyfriend. Hahahaha! Eat a dick, Jonathan Swift -- this is how you do hilarious and meaningful social commentary!

Also, just playing devil's haircut here, but I would say these celebrities might actually be pulling it off. It's common knowledge that Hollywood is fueled by boners, and the fact that these ladies are still allowed in Hollywood speaks to their "pulling it off" abilities. And, as far as "pulling it off" with younger boners, as far as high school aged boys are concerned, I bet I could go to the Beverly Center and find four hundred 11-15 year old boys at Finish Line who have jerked off to short-haired Emma Watson. I don't want to, but I could.

(fraudulent) Roger Sterling, Jr. goes on to say:

For pixie cuts, the "But celebs are doing it!" logic doesn't even apply. Watch Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises and compare it to her acceptance of the award for Les Mis with a haircut you'd drunkenly give a pledge.

I will say this, that Oscar speech was worse than being awoken from a Christian Bale sex dream by Freddy Krueger nails on a chalkboard. It's a perfect example of how talented and emotionally exhausting theater kids can be, but let's be civilized and leave the haircut out of this. I'm pretty sure Hathaway has been wearing her heart on her sleeve ever since her junior high production of "Our Town."

Furthermore, his point raises another question, which is, why are frat dudes giving freshmen the haircut of a dying tuberculous ridden prostitute mother? What happened to the time-honored fraternity traditions of making guys drink Dixie cups full of indistinguishable bodily fluids?

If these celebrities can't elicit boners from frat dudes jerking off to them while browsing incognito, (double pretend) Roger Sterling Jr. says "normal ladies, you don't even stand a chance."

If you're still willing to cut your hair short after (sham) Roger Sterling Jr.'s super clear first point, perhaps you will think again (again), when he explains that it will make you -- gasp -- different.

You Will Stand Out, But Not in a Good Way

There are certain things about girls that a guy only notices if they are spectacular or spectacularly awful. Tits, ass, legs, and a couple other things stand out regardless, but a girl's eyes are only worth noting if they look photoshopped in real life or if they are hanging out of their sockets.

To be clear, what he's saying is that he only notices eyes if they've been rasterized and given a Gaussian blur, or if your eyes are hangin' out of your dead body -- the only two acceptable states for attention grabbing eyes.

(charlatan) Roger Sterling Jr. says the same logic applies to hair.

... where outside of blonde, brunette, and easy, the male population will give a collective shrug in regard to her having curled it, straightened it, pulled it up, or having done whatever else she spends an hour and a half doing before she goes out. We only notice the length when it happens to rival our own.

He brings up an interesting problem for a large population of straight frat dudes, and that's the inability to stop questioning the amount of gayness inside them. Let's say (imitation) Roger Sterling Jr. is doing a girl doggystyle -- a girl with short hair -- let's say Adriana Lima with a 1997 Lilith Fair pixie cut. He might be thinking something along the lines of "I'm clearly putting my dick in a hot, sexy, pussy -- but what if I'm not? What if I'm putting my dick in a man butt? Is this a man butt? Is this a man? Oh no! Am I gay? What if I'm gay? No, way, I'm not gay. I fuck girls and this is a girl. But that hair is making my brain confused!!! Why is being homophobic fucking up my sex life?"

His last point, and I think (masquerader) Roger Sterling Jr.'s strongest point, is that it will make you ugly.

They Amplify Your Flaws To Other Girls

All of those odd insecurities you have about your looks are only highlighted with short hair. If you have bad teeth or some other sort of imperfection, with short hair, you're putting it front and center. Even if you don't have a glaring flaw, there's one thing of which I'm sure: your face is going to look fat. Need further proof? Look at that picture of ole Jennifer Lawrence above and remember that she looked fine before.

Now, I have to say, I agree with him and I think this works for both sexes. I am never attracted to guys with short hair, because it makes their faces so fat and ugly, without exception, and I can see their teeth and their unkempt eyebrows and their gross male noses. It's fucking disgusting and a real lady boner killer. Take Taylor Kitsch -- used to get a full lady boner for him when he had his "John Carter" hair, but he buzzed all his sex off and now, when I look at his newly exposed, decrepit face, it's like I'm living through the Kings of Leon makeover all over again.

It's hard for me. Not many dudes rock Highlander hair these days, so I keep a Rasta wig on hand to pop on the heads of guys so I can stomach the sight of them. And (hoax) Roger Sterling Jr., if you want to use that hot tip, go for it, just don't tell the old lady at the Halloween Adventure what you're using it for. She gets upset.

Now, I know a lot of women have had a problem with (bogus) Roger Sterling Jr.'s piece, and not because it's clearly a first draft. To those ladies who got upset, don't worry! I wasn't aware of an election where (forged) Roger Sterling Jr. was elected king of all men. Furthermore, there are lots of men who give zero fucks about hair length. Remember Kanye West's ex, nearly bald, walking sex, Amber Rose? And let's not forget Frank Sinatra's nearly lifetime love affair with Mia Farrow. I'd say Sinatra is probably the expert on what's fuckable, considering he's banged more chicks than Wilt Chamberlain. Sinatra laid more semen than a wild Atlantic salmon. In 100 years, people won't all trace their ancestry back to Genghis Khan -- they'll trace it back to Frank Sinatra... a guy who loved to get sexy with short-haired women.

Having had a haircut that would make Grace Jones jealous, and in the spirit of being fair and balanced, I'd like to discuss the amazing things about having short hair, in particular, the points that speak to fuckability. Now, keep in mind, this is from my perspective, a girl's, so you know, it's coming from a weaker place, but let's all pretend that I have equal standing for these next few paragraphs.

Why Women Should Cut Their Hair Short

by Peggy Olson

#1 Having a girlfriend/fuck buddy with shorter hair means she has an extra 40 minutes a day because she's not having to dry her hair. That's 40 extra minutes for sex, and that's pure math, so you can't really argue with that.

#2 I would say this is the best argument I have in favor of girls with short hair -- all that hair doesn't get in the way of getting your dick sucked. She's not having to periodically stop to pull pounds of wet hair out her mouth and you get a front row ticket to the dick show. Everyone wins! And I'd say I just closed on short hair forever.

Writer to writer, (not) Roger Sterling Jr., whatever you're working on next, something on why BBQ sauce makes a great lubricant or how to steal money from the homeless, think about writing about personal opinions and experiences. An article about why your boner goes on vacation when you see short lady hair is actually interesting, diving into why you were raised to have an erection when you see long hair, furiously masturbating when you see old Crystal Gayle albums or girls at Sci-Fi conventions, etc. That's a good story! But a bossy-ass tirade shaming women so they'll do things your way makes you seem like a dude with a lot of baggage, confidence problems, and I hate to say it, I bet you don't wipe your butt that well.

And do a little research. In the case of this article, you might have found out that thanks to DNA and being raised in a myriad of environments, guys don't all like the same thing. I have a friend who LOVES to fuck feet. You probably wouldn't appreciate it if he wrote an article that said all guys like to fuck feet, because that's uninformed and pretty rude.

Moving forward, I'm happy to find millions of long-haired celebrities/porn actresses on the Internet that you can jerk off to through the zipper hole of your J Crew pleated khakis. You can stay busy reinforcing your heterosexuality without being a judgmental nameless dick to the young Helen Mirrens of the world.