Tractatus Twitter Philosophicus

A Brief Working Theory as to the Socio-Semiotic Lexicographic Post-Structuralist Aesthetic Paleographic Mechanisms of Twitter, after Wittgenstein. #Glee

1               Twitter is everything that is the case.
1.1           Twitter consists of tweets, which are general statuses of states of affairs.
1.2           The general status of everything is is that is the case.
1.21          The general status of everything is not was or will be; there is limited past and no future to a tweet.
1.3           The status is the totality of the tweets.
1.4            The status is determined by the tweets, and by these being all of the tweets, though there are a few more coming through right now.
1.41         Would everyone please stop tweeting for a moment; I know that Glee is on, but I'm trying to have a rational thought here.

2               A tweet contains letters.
2.01        These letters comprise the words and the non-words.
2.1           It is a word when there is a semantic understanding to it.
2.2           It is a non-word when it leads to a website for diet pills, in which case your account has been hacked.

2.3         A tweet does not have phonological or visuospatial things, unless you read them out loud at a party, which is incredibly annoying. 2.31       Nobody is amused by the reading out loud of the tweets. 2.4         A tweet, despite its name, does not contain sounds or pictures. 2.41       By means of the words and the non-words, however, a tweet can lead to various external things:
  • YouTube videos of cats playing with dolphins,
  • Images of government officials -- at the federal, state, local, and indecently local levels,
  • TwitPics of the same.

2.42       For the most part, this is the limitation of the external things of the sounds and pictures.
2.5         This semantic understanding does not change, no matter how poorly spelled the word might be.
2.6         Thus, the lexical structure leads to semiotic production; the tweets produce meaning, except in the case of @Sn00ki, who is indecipherable.

2.7         The tweets are unalterable; somebody has already retweeted them.
2.71       The tweets are undeletable; I am probably getting fired as I tweet.
2.8         Death is the only place the tweet cannot reach you; Twitter is working on this.
2.9         Tonight there is a new episode of Glee.

3              I am my Twitter, and the tweet is about the I.
3.01        I use I because it is the shortest pronoun available, because I have a limited amount of space.
3.02        The I refers to the he, the she, and the it. But, mostly, all of it refers to me.
3.03        Everything on Twitter is about the I. It is about me. Me, me, me, I, I, I, me, me, me.
3.1            The I of the tweet is not the I of the self; it is far more annoying, a state of affairs I choose to ignore.
3.12        The I of the tweet represents the I of the possibility of self; I have no idea what this means, but it probably involves Coachella.
3.2          I cannot believe this many people watch Glee.

3.3          The sole purpose of the I is to get through to the U.
3.31        U represents you, all those who are not the I, the ones who are tweeting about Glee.
3.32        U may be I to yourself (Urself), but to me (2me), U are U (2me URU {Glee}).
3.321       The optimal relationship that U and I could experience may be diagramed thusly:


3.327       I mean seriously, folks, could you
3.983       Oops, accidentally hit the update butto
8.357      Could you please just stop a few seconds here; there have been 74 new tweets in the past five minutes, and
9.3421      I have completely lost track of my numbering system; there are too many tweets about Glee.

4              I enter this thing unsure of the miasma surrounding me.
4.1          I strive to build myself 140 characters at a time, simultaneously ruining my chances at a promotion.
4.2          I begin voiceless; I haven't started typing.
4.21        I start typing; I am now somewhat less voiceless.
4.22        Yet the infinite (Internet) cannot be filled with the finite (I).
4.23        Some of you (U) will not accept this state of affairs, and will tweet and tweet and tweet again (about Glee).
4.3          Twitter is down again. I am voiceless once more. #FailWhale

4.4          I am such a loser; I am at home, eating Cool Ranch Doritos and reading tweets about Glee. I should be at Coachella.
4.41        I am not at Coachella. I would have more followers if I were at Coachella.
4.42        Why does my friend from school have so many followers? He's a real idiot, and he's not even at Coachella.

4.5          The Doritos are finished; I am stupid, nervous, uninsightful.
4.51        I am so very unimportant; I cannot believe I ate that whole bag of Doritos.
4.6          Why did I join Twitter in the first place?
4.7          I am annoyed by Twitter; I am annoyed by my own tweets. I am now watching Glee. #CoolRanch #Doritos #Glee

5              Somebody just retweeted one of my tweets; they must think I am amusing.
5.1          I am amusing, I am amazing, I am really, really important!!
5.2           I cannot believe how important I am; this must somehow be related to Glee.

6               OMG! I cannot believe how well those kids sang that song! #Glee
6.1            I enjoy this show so, so much! It's the best thing on television! #Glee
6.2           That thing that the one character said to the other character was tremendously funny! #Glee
6.3           The dialogue is so zingy! The tunes are so catchy! And just look at that dancing -- sweet, merciful Lord -- the dancing! #Glee
6.4           I cannot wait to tweet about next week's episode!! #Glee

7               Whereof I cannot tweet, thereof I must tweet about Glee. #Glee