The changes in the seasons remind us of what must be left behind and of the uncertainty of what lies ahead. As a Psychoanalyst, I work with people transitioning in many realms of their lives and the struggles associated with moving from one phase of life to another. From birth through death, from preschool through high school, from high school through college, from single to married, from married to children, from married to divorced- we are constantly faced with life’s transitions.
These shifts are difficult whether they are planned for or not and as humans we resist change even when we wish for the very same change. As human beings, we want to move forward, yet we are ambivalent about our readiness, our strength to weather the unknown and our reluctance to let go of the past.
As the old saying goes, people plan and life happens. As humans, we need to feel like we are in control and have a grip on our life believing in an illusion that life should stand still. We create a false sense of security luring us to believe that the present moment will last. When a person is feeling worried or sad, they imagine that their discomfort will be endless. It is unimaginable in those moments that difficult feelings and thoughts will subside. The only thing that is sure to be constant, is change.
There are varied transitions we encounter in our lives. Leaving home, graduations, and giving birth are some of the more monumental transitions. For example, some college freshman have smooth transitions while others cannot wait to leave home only to experience a breakdown once they have autonomy. Imagine the couple who spends years trying to conceive a child with endless fertility treatments, and they give birth only to experience postpartum depression or they learn that they have a special needs child. Think of the so called perfect couple who divorce after 30 years of marriage. These scenarios are laced with difficulties moving from one stage of life to another stage. Although some people are more conscious and comfortable with transitions others have difficulties.
We all face having to separate, whether it is moment to moment, day by day, or for a lifetime. “Separation difficulties” are at the root of what makes these monumental transitions so challenging. Think about the child who resists sleeping through the night, or the freshman in college who maintains a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend so that she can have “a little home,” while also trying to be independent. Imagine the college graduate who cannot manage being independent enough to live financially on their own. Think about people who refuse euthanizing their pet, knowing they are ill because they cannot envision living without their beloved. Imagine losing a spouse suddenly and having to adjust to life without your best friend.
Although changes and life’s transitions are difficult, now more than ever before we have ways of softening the pain with the use of electronics. While Facetime, Skype and smartphones are not soft and cuddly, they psychologically assist us in making separation less painful and serve as a bridge for people to stay connected and manage transitions. While electronics may reduce the pain associated with separating, it may also delay the inevitable- change which cannot be avoided or kept at bay. I have helped people work through transitions, with psychoanalysis and I have found that there are those who swim against the current, those who go with the current and those who do both.
Three ways to go with the flow:
1) Recognize what scares you. Envision getting through the next phase. Remember fear although it makes you uncomfortable, it also promotes growth.
2) Reflect on your past transitions and remember both the parts that were difficult and the parts that went better than expected.
3) Loosen your grip on your fear, remember you are more resilient than you think and you can chose to go with the current regardless of the outcome. You will feel better having “lived through it”.
If you feel stuck beyond what you can do for yourself alone then chose to consult with a therapist.