Some of them are jealous.
Others tell me I'm lucky.
Optimists say that my life is a dream.
Realists say that I should have different ambitions.
I am told that I am brave, that I shouldn't travel while I have debts.
They say a big bunch of blah, blah.
I would love to tell you that my life is a dream, that I'm lucky and that I am full of ambitions.
I already spat out loud that traveling is not a fairy tale.
I would simply say that I am a tiny woman full of questions, of guilt and obsession for living. That routine bores me to death, that challenge sometimes makes me feel desperate, that I like my crumbs of comfort and that my backpack sums up my life.
I confess through laughs, tears and sarcasm that the long-term travel is more than an adventure.
Traveling is the hardest therapy I've ever had.
Worse; I am the only responsible for it. This therapy, I have paid for it.
1. I don't have a comfort zone anymore
I don't know exactly when I lost my comfort zone. I don't know if I have dropped it somehow, if it runs away from me or if I sold it. But, it's certainly not comfortable to share a room with strangers, to sleep in an airport, to shiver in a tent...
When I made the choice to live an English life in Western Canada, I lost a salary, I made the choice to bury my diploma and my great knowledge to slowly touch the bottom of the ladder again.
I collected slaps when I started a new job, met a new team; a weird mix of expats, teenagers and broke backpackers. I took these doubts, these laughs and these judgements to throw them in a souvenir box.
These 18 months of discomfort will end in a few months. The return to the "normal" life sounds disgusting. This routine was so good at the time and now it sounds even more uncomfortable. Apparently, the life in a backpack, AKA the hard-core life, has successfully managed to stamp my shadow.
2. I have lost my roots
Out of sight, out of mind ... is a sad slogan, and yet too true. While I escaped my comfort zone, I dropped pieces of friendship on the road. I probably would have liked to find in it the way home. But the distance is now too big and I guess I got lost. I lost my landmarks, or perhaps have I thrown them down.
As I was facing the World, my new roots were built temporarily through encounters on the road. I juggled with the goodbyes, the contacts became less frequent and I learned to handle myself... myself. I do not know yet if the result is great or mediocre, but I guess it's somewhere in between.
3. I am helpless
While the world continues to spin, I compose with helplessness on the other side of the world. I guess I lost that power somewhere in the Pacific on my way to Australia.
I am absent. I miss their lives. I am a mess. Guilty, I know.
They blamed me... as if I was not already blaming myself enough with everything.
While I try to gather power through my words, I sink deeper into the pain of helplessness ... everybody knows about that feeling no matter where they are on the globe.
4. It's my fault
Even if sometime I would like to be mad at life, I know I'm the only one to blame. I won't take myself in pity; I'm the only responsible.
Because doubt persists, because guilt follows me, because happiness avoids me ... because I question my own dreams.
It was my choice. And it still is.
Should I nevertheless regret these;
Taking a plunge into the uncomfortable?
Picking those who matters the most?
Juggling with helplessness?
5. What if I was learning to live
I was looking for an adventure in which I could meet myself. I didn't know I would learn to live. I didn't know that while the journey stretches, life is getting ready to take you by surprise. I play hide and seek somewhere between helplessness and letting go.
24 hours on 24, I am cohabiting with my little person while I am backpacking my way through the discomfort, doubts, a tiny budget and life.
I don't know what awaits me. I don't know what the plan is.
I chose to be surprised on the other side of the world.
You choose to be surprised elsewhere.
So many humans out there, one life and one Globe.
No matter where you are, life has a job to do.
This article was originally posted here.
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