Trickle, Trickle

My blog went on hiatus after Donald Trump‘s election. It could not compete with reality. It was not able to parody a parody.

Abandoning satire, my blog now features interviews with economic luminaries. Today we talk with Gary Cohn, President Trump’s chief economic advisor, about the economic effects of tax reform.

Blog: How will the $1.5 billion tax cut affect the average American?

Cohn: The Council of Economic Advisors claims it will increase the annual income of the typical American family by $3,000 to $7,000.

Blog: But the tax bill gives 83% of the benefits to the 1%. How will this help the 99%?

Cohn: Through the magic of trickle down.

Blog: Trickle down did not work when Reagan cut taxes. The 1% took almost all the money and the bottom 90% lost ground. Why will it work now?

Cohn: Reagan tried ooze down, not trickle down. He threw money at rich people who were lousy tricklers. We’re targeting the right rich people. Great tricklers. Superb tricklers.

My Goldman Sachs partners were the best. They would trickle on anyone. They trickled on Goldman clients 24/7. Our tax bill showers riches on hedge fund managers, private equity partners, corporate CEOs and Wall Street chiselers. These guys know trickle.

Blog: But George W Bush enriched the same crowd and again the bottom 90% got nothing.

Cohn: That was ooze down not trickle down. America then had a large middle class sandwiched between the tricklers and the tricklees. This middle class absorbed the ooze before it could reach the tricklees.

Blog: How is your plan different?

Cohn: We no longer have a significant middle class due to Obama’s job-killing ban on oil drilling in Zion Park. While a small middle class remains in the coastal blue states, our tax bill devastates them by curbing deductions for state and local taxes and large mortgages. In a few years, everyone except the 1% will be a tricklee.

Blog: With that huge number of tricklees will you have enough tricklers?

Cohn: That is the genius of our tax bill. With $414.5 billion in “pass through” tax scams, morticians, dentists and marriage counselors can join the 1% and start drooling on the droolees.

Blog: Over the last six years corporate profits as a percent of GDP reached record highs but few workers received raises and corporate America cut back on R&D and capital investment. Instead corporations spent most of their profits buying back their own stock. Why will they act differently with the money they get from the corporate tax cut?

Cohn: Because we won’t let that happen. We won’t let that happen to the forgotten American. I know what it’s like to be forgotten. I suffered through a few years when my bonus was in the low eight figures.

Blog: So is everything in place for trickle down to work this time?

Cohn: Absolutely. This is trickle down on steroids! Rocket fuel for the economy!

We shall trickle on the beaches, we shall trickle on the landing grounds, we shall trickle in the fields and in the streets, we shall trickle in the hills; we shall never untrickle.

Cohn: That would be communism. Godless communism! We can’t Make America Great Again by following Karl Marx.

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