Trippin' With Lynne Cheney

Almost lost in all the talk about Lynne Cheney's scary performance on CNN is the more alarming news that she's released another book of patriotic and patriarchal Americana on our unsuspecting children. This one features a family's road trip to each of the 50 states. Mrs C. says she was inspired by her son in law, Phil Perry, who took the grandchildren on a cross country road trip. Must have been while Phil was on vacation from one of the many legal counsel jobs he's managed to land, purely on merit, in the Bush administration. Being married to Elizabeth Cheney had nothing to do with it, of course. (I can just see the Cheney-Perry clan as they drive off in their fuel-efficient family car, a Hummer perhaps, with a "Honk if you Love Nepotism" bumper sticker proudly displayed). Did I mention that Elizabeth was a deputy assistant Secretary of State until she went on maternity leave last spring?

But I digress. Naturally, I haven't read this latest installment in the Cheney oeuvre, and I don't plan to, but I can sure imagine some of the adventures that a family would encounter as they visited America, six years into the Republicans' reign.

The book's first stop is Massachusetts, where the pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock and began the tradition of exploiting Native Americans that continues to this day, reaching its modern apex with Indian tribes' lobbyist extraordinaire Jack Abramoff.

Children visiting Virginia would certainly drop by Pat Robertson's kooky korner, Virginia Beach, to see whether God was getting ready to smite any of their favorite science teachers. And then, off to learn more about Virginia's junior Senator, George Allen. You can't miss seeing his Confederate flag collection and his noose!

On to Pennsylvania! First, of course, a visit to the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. (corrected--sl) After all, you never know when parts of it will disappear altogether.

Florida is always fun! It's home to the Everglades, Disneyworld, Cape Canaveral, and of course, South Beach. It's also where the 2000 election was stolen. We imagine that at first kids are probably frightened by a scary lady, until they learn it's just Katherine Harris.

Then there's Ohio, birthplace of seven Presidents, including William Howard Taft. He's been rolling over in his grave ever since his great grandson, Governor Bob Taft, pleaded no contest to state ethics violations. Maybe there's even a scavenger hunt to find the millions of state pension fund dollars that have been missing since they were given to a Republican fundraiser named Tommy Noe, to invest in his rare coins collections. Anybody see Bob Ney, doing some last minute errands before prison?

And what fun to visit New Orleans! Just think how much more fun it would have been if so much of it hadn't been washed away, first by Katrina, and then by a sea of neglect and incompetence.

You can make up the rest of the trip yourselves. One thing's for sure: This is a wonderful country, and we can't wait to start cleaning up the mess it's in now.

There's much more on the life and career of Lynne Cheney, from her high school days back in Casper, Wyoming, to the present, in Naked Republicans, A Full Frontal Exposure of Right-wing Hypocrisy and Greed.