I was skeptical about a Trump presidency from the moment he announced he was running. With his lack of experience and brash, take-no-prisoners style, I questioned whether he could ever be an effective leader.
But I'll be the first to admit I was wrong. In scarcely a week, Donald J. Trump has proven himself to be the greatest president in the history of the United States. Better than Washington, better than Jefferson, better even than Lincoln. Why? Because every one of those leaders took years to set America on a better course, often with great collateral damage. But with a few, brilliantly-chosen policy changes and inspired ideas for groundbreaking legislation, Trump has steered our country off a path of destruction and doom and set it gliding down a highway toward unmatched prosperity and glory.
But I don't want to oversimplify things by giving all the credit to President Trump's superior intellect. We must also acknowledge his powerful charisma -- a life force and, dare I say it, sex appeal that has with startling speed reinvigorated the very spirit of the American people. With his thousand-watt smile and movie star swagger, he has ignited a vibrant new patriotism that has swept like a brush fire across this great land.
Just as he promised, President Trump has Made America Great Again. He has accomplished everything he said he would and in record time. Which is why resigning now and leaving office, at the top of his game, would seal his reputation as the greatest leader in modern history -- perhaps in the history of mankind.
Because, honestly, things can only go downhill from here.
Therefore, and I think I will find widespread agreement on this, I propose a farewell to our Beloved Commander-in-Chief like this country has never seen. A "thank you" parade across the breadth of our nation and ending in Washington DC, where we will unveil a scale model of the 14k gold-plated statue of our dear President that we will erect as soon as he cleans out his desk and officially leaves office. It will be taller than the Washington Monument, more emotionally-moving than the Lincoln Memorial, and it will be amazing and beautiful, and it will last forever. There might be a revolving restaurant at the top where you can enjoy a nice steak.
And so I say to President Trump, God bless you, our fair-haired prince! Alas, we hardly knew ye! You shall be beloved forever and remembered long after the last star in the last galaxy has burned out. Bon voyage, our American Hero! Fare thee well! Godspeed!
(Is he still here?)