Trump Announces Plan To Defeat Zika Virus

Speaking at a rally in Birmingham, AL., on his quest to secure his party's nomination, GOP front-runner, Donald Trump, announced a broad and sweeping plan to stop the rapidly spreading Zika virus in its tracks.

With 58 confirmed cases already reported in the New York area alone, Trump said, "As soon as I become President, I will build a wall around the island of Manhattan and make the mosquitoes pay for it!"

The crowd of about 8,000 Walmart workers, most of whom admitted to not knowing where New York was, erupted in cheers, anyway.

When asked how he plans to get insects to come up with the tens of billions of dollars needed to construct the wall, Trump shouted, "Are you a Jew? Get him out of here." At which point, the reporter was summarily tackled and escorted out by plain clothes police. The crowd shouting, "Jew! Jew! Jew!"

Not letting him off the hook, another reporter picked up the baton and asked Mr. Trump how he plans to get the disease-spreading insects to pay for the wall? To which, Trump fired back, "Are you accusing me of incest?! While, it's true, my daughter, Ivanka, is a beautiful woman, I would never dream of touching her p--sy. Again."

When it became obvious the media would not let him duck the question, Trump said, "My proposal is to build the wall as a last resort. We will start by banning all mosquitoes from entering the U.S." Trump said he doesn't mind alienating those mosquitoes who don't carry the Zika virus.

"Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by mosquitoes that believe only in Jihad, and have no sense of reason or respect for human life," Trump said.

"But, first, I would start by bombing the shit out of them. You can see they have blood coming out of them, wherever."

Trump said he plans to take his message directly to New Yorkers, with his next move being a rally at "Columbia University School of Entenmannology."

When asked if he knew Entenmann's was a donut company, Trump replied, "Whatever. You know. Those bug nerds."