TRUMP TOWER: Goodyear Satire Company--
Donald Trump this week rebooted his campaign into a new phase, the Death Spiral. He accomplished this by calling Hillary Clinton a "bigot" to the astonishment of true bigots around the world.
"Hillary Clinton is a bigot," proclaimed Trump. "But I'm a bigger ot."
Meanwhile, Republican party officials are frantically combing through the wreckage that is the Trump campaign, trying to determine how to yank it out of its steady, downward trajectory despite Trump's insistence on self-destruction.
"Pull to the center; pull to the center," yells an urgent Reince Priebus, Republican Party Chair. But Donald Trump ignores the advice,
"Hard right! Hard right!" scribbles Ann Coulter, hoping to sell chapter books to people who are more comfortable looking at pictures.
Instead, Trump flies by the seat of his $1095 pants, first lurching right, then left, then hard right again. "He's losing altitude," said Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway reading her pollster's tea leaves.
Polls show Trump lower in popularity than cancer. This is a shift from last month, when Trump was tied with cancer.
Neither of Trump's new co-pilots seems able to stop the rightward drift towards Russia. "We were hit over Crimea, and we never recovered," said Co-campaign Manager Steve Bannon.
Pundits on the ground, watching the campaign plummet in long, slow circles, were philosophical. "The self-destruction was a foregone conclusion when Trump held three contradictory policies on immigration the same day," said political consultant Hiram Castlebacker. "Trump has held more positions than a yoga master's mistress."
For his part, Donald Trump is embracing his new status as a doomed candiate.
"My campaign is going to have the greatest, most spectacular flame-out in the history of flame-outs," said a beaming Donald Trump. " I'm doing all I can to make to happen, as soon as I can make it happen."
Trump has visions in his head of a new alt-right "Trump TV" network with ex-Fox leerer Roger Ailes and Breitbart's jew-phobic Steve Bannon at the helm.
"When we've finished imploding, there will be nothing left of the Republican Party," the candidate confidently predicted. "That'll be alt-right with me."
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photo By Zaereth via Wikimedia Commons. The photo has been altered from the original by 180 degree rotation.
MORE POLITICAL SATIRE BY MARTY RUDOY