PHOENIX (NewS Satire) - Presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Donald Trump can each claim victory today as they continue to turn fear of Muslims into votes.
"Ginning up fear of Muslims is a very effective tool," said political consultant Shane McFlee. "Sometimes,you can send nervous voters fleeing to the polls just by mentioning the word couscous."
Donald Trump jumped to an early lead this primary season by promising to close the U.S. border to Muslims. That threat frightened ten year old Farzad Ahmed of Los Angeles, who was then on vacation in Saudi Arabia. "I was afraid I'd never get to finish my report on California's missions," lamented the fourth grade honor student. "But I made it through customs with only a pat down and a rough interrogation."
Ted Cruz upped the ante when he called for close surveillance of Muslim neighborhoods since that strategy has worked so well in America's black communities, provided you're not black.
"Without some terrorist threat from somewhere, we don't have a credible threat of fear, and without fear, we don't turn out the conservative vote. It's that simple," said Cruz. "So we love the Muslims. We couldn't win without 'em."
Part of the problem for Republicans is that most domestic terrorism is perpetrated by white American males, the single strongest voting block for the GOP. "They can't really criticize their own," said political consultant McFlee, "So they give the Timothy McVeighs a pass in favor of a bearded guy named Mohamed from Europe, and they act like Mohamed's next step is to move next door to you."
Trump promised his tough talk about Muslims won't go on forever. "We need to do this until we can figure out what's going on," said Trump. "Or at least until the end of my second term."