President Donald Trump just ordered the annexation of Eastern Ukraine, a move considered by many to be a distraction from James Comey’s testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee. “It is not a distraction; we are finally reuniting citizens from the Donbass Republic with their very, very, very faraway brothers and sisters in the United States,” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer, while downing a fifth of Scotch and holding up a sign which read: “Shoot me. Please, I beg you, anybody ― shoot me. Kimberly Guilfoyle: the job is all yours.”
When reporters wondered if annexing Eastern Ukraine brings more attention to Comey’s testimony about Trump and Russia, the president released a series of tweets which 1) insisted James Comey is a “big poo-head whose head is full of poo and when he talks poo comes out of his SAD MOUTH” 2) demanded that the Mother of All Bombs be dropped on Mayor of London Sadiq Khan 3) withdrew Christopher Wray as potential FBI director and nominated Scott Baio 4) revealed the White House is being moved to Atlantic City 5) praised Carter Page for speaking out against bigotry and xenophobia aimed at Russian hookers.
Spicer said, “The president’s tweets are official statements unless they are not, which can be open to interpretation except during the week.”