A few moments ago, at a hastily called news conference in the VVVIP lounge of the Waco, Texas airport, Donald Trump made a shocking announcement:
"Today is the most terrible day in this country's past or future history. I have decided to take myself out of the contest for President of the United States. I do not intend, however, to step down from my position as Donald Trump. In fact, at the insistence of the Latino Veterans of Foreign Wars, I will be known from now on as DONALD TRUMP.
I know this is not an easy moment for the billions of Americans and other people whose hands I intended to shake. And to them I say, 'You are never not going to shake a more terrific hand.'
I also know that everyone is asking why a man known throughout the universe for his compassion would decide to break the hearts of every man, woman and child who wanted to see him in the White House. Well, first I couldn't stand living there. It's the size of the hot tub in my clothes closet. Then there's the plane. Gimme a break. A 747 with fifty million miles on it? Lemme tell ya', when the odometer on one of my planes hits 100,000 I give it away to the blind. And I throw in free lessons with astronauts, who I love.
Now if those were the only problems I've got with being President, I might still do it because the leaders of every country in the world would love America about thirty seconds after I took the oath of office. But there are some other problems that I can't ignore, like having Secretaries of whatever who aren't hot and having to look at John Beohner who thinks nobody notices he's orange.
My bottom line is that the job I now have is sixty-five million times better than being President, and if I gave it up people would wonder if I was nuts and whether they should ever have thought I could be President, even though I would have been amazing.
So now I'm going to get on my plane and fly over all the places that aren't New York. And as I look down on the towns and cities and public swimming pools of this unbelievable country, I'm going to think about how bad I've made hundreds of millions of Americans feel. And I'm also going to think about whether I should apologize to those grieving people.
And then I'm going to take a nap."