With the Trump campaign traveling across the country, we spoke with one campaign apprentice, Donald T. Jr., who asked that we not use his last name, about what the candidate likes to eat on the road.
Mexican Food: "We were really blindsided on this one. I mean who could have anticipated that they would add pools of spit to our food? Not just a little accidental drip, mind you, I'm talking full-on Jaccuzis of bubbling spittle. Sometimes they even sneeze all over everything right in front of us. It really is a shame, Mr. Trump loves the Mexican...food."
Italian Food: "Apparently, a lot of Mexicans work in Italian restaurants. At first we weren't sure if they were spitting in our food--there's so much sauce everywhere, who can tell what's what--but whenever we ask them they just shrug their shoulders and say 'si, si'--which i think is 'yes' in Mexican."
Greek Food: "This is pretty much a repeat of the Italian experience, only there seem to be a bunch of Syrians in the kitchen as well. Sounds random, I know, but being Muslims they'll sure spit in our food too. First the staff sings in unison about austerity, and so far so good, we like austerity too. But next, well...they do the spitting one by one, passing the food from one line cook to another, Mexican alternating with Syrian, and then they mumble something about 'algae' and 'marbles.' It's very performative, almost like they're trying to send a message. I don't know, maybe they're still bitter we tried to put a Trump sign on the Acropolis."
Indian Food: "When the whole spit problem started, our gut told us to find the restaurants that only had straight, white, male, American workers--but this proved much harder than you would think. Then we realized we needed to go in the opposite direction and find very ethnic restaurants--very ethnic--since they would only hire their own people, 'cause ethnic people like to stick together, like bees. Little brown bees. (Admirable. I wish we could stick together like that). No Mexican bees. I've begged Donald not to say anything politically incorrect about the Indians. Their food smells like poor people and keeps me in the bathroom for days but I don't know what we'll eat if he does."
Russian Food: "Donald has repeatedly said that Putin is strong, so we thought we'd be safe here. And my god, the women that work in these places, 10s...we could really learn something. But apparently a lot of Russians in America don't like Putin all that much. And their women seem impervious to our catcalling--to anything really. (Yeah, 'impervious,' I know all the big words). I mean loosen up, ladies. A funny thing about Russian spit is that it foams, like cyanide in the movies, so it is particularly unappetizing. Also, there aren't that many Russian restaurants."
Chinese Food: "Donald has likewise had many kind words to say about China and how they are beating us in everything. But he also said that we are going to start beating them in everything, which the Chinese took as a challenge and so yeah, they also spit in our food now. And if spitting prowess is any indication of their ability to negotiate multilateral international trade agreements then I don't think we'll be beating them any time soon. They can really hawk a loogie. I mean yuuuge [sic]."
Japanese Food: "Personally, I'm not too sure how this is different from Chinese food. I mean I can get sushi at either one most of the time and they both have Asian waiters. Anyway, I really wish Mr. Trump hadn't screwed them (winning!) on some golf courses we were supposed to build over there. For such a little people, they really know how to hold a grudge. It's really amazing. I mean, we've all been very inspired. They're clever. And they really love golf, god bless 'em, you don't mess with their golf, big takeaway. Actually, let's say: 'And they really love golf, god bless 'em, it's a weakness you can take advantage of, big takeaway.' What? No, leave the original in as well. Let them see we don't care. Losers."*
Barbecue: "You mean like black restaurants? The white supremacy thing may have hurt us in that department. Oops. Lol. What? You want me to say African-American? No? Yes? What do you care? You're not black--ohhhh, they don't have to be black restaurants, I see. Haha. Excuse me, 'African-American restaurants,' whatever floats your yacht. Is it pronounced 'lawl?' Carson has promised to help, though."
Halal Carts: "I had no idea that Halal Carts were run by Muslims. Even the ones in front of Trump Towers. I mean, what does Islam have to do with lamb and rice? I always thought the company was owned by two brothers named Hal and Al. They don't spit in our food because they don't even allow us to enter the Halal Cart line. But with so much hot sauce, we wouldn't taste spit anyway."
Israeli Food: "I don't know about Jewish food but when Donald is president there will be Jew flags on every goddamn Halal Cart, I can promise you that."
Ordering In: "This worked at first, as long as we didn't use the Donald's credit card, but eventually they figured out what we were up to. Now, no sooner do we get to a city or town than restaurants pass around our hotel info and refuse our orders. We hear lots of really mean and politically incorrect things, like 'you racists' and 'you suck' and stuff like that--yes, people actually say that--mixed in with whatever funny language they're talking--very hurtful, not conducive [sic]. Maybe they're trying to starve us, I don't know. It's like a siege--since they're foreign that means technically we're at war, by the way. I've lost thirty-five pounds so it's not all bad. In your face, immigrants. Anyway, we can't be beat. We had our top people--the best--figure out how to set up a network of safe houses before we even get to a place, where we can keep apprentices to just order food for us all day in inconspicuous small amounts. You'd be surprised how many Mexicans we get volunteering for this job. We can't be beat. They don't all hate us."
*In response to our fact-checkers, the campaign later contacted the author to let him know that it was actually "the Scots we screwed over with the golf course stuff" and that they "have no idea why those shifty Japanese are spitting in our food" but that "they are still definitely losers" and "even their spit is losing."