In an interview with the business mogul and presidential candidate Wednesday, August 12th, Donald Trump announced to the world that, following Thursday's first Republican presidential debate, he has fired yet another individual in the spirit of always blaming everyone but himself; this time, it was his own hair.
A now bald Donald justified the move by blaming the guinea pig-shaped blob, which used to rest on his head, for his poor performance while at the debate.
"Whenever I was asked a question by the moderators and I tried to give a thoroughly thought out answer, I could tell no one was really listening to what I had to say. The only thing the stupid viewers could focus on was critiquing my hair. When you realize that's what's happening it really does affect how you do at these events because it makes you self-conscious," Trump said before he started sobbing violently.
"It's the only thing they ever focus on, my hair! It's certainly always been one of my greatest sources of pride, but it has turned around to double-cross me, and it's the only reason I'm no longer taken seriously and seen as the boss. So I knew what had to be done," he said getting even more emotional. "I knew what I had to do to take the power away from my hair and place it back in my own hands."
And that's exactly what he did. Immediately following the debate Trump says he went home and took an electric shaver in this hand, with which he shaved his entire head. Claiming it was a freeing ritual, Donald now hopes he won't be perceived as having such a big head, among other things.
"It was like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. I yelled 'you're fired!' as I did it too. It was really intense. If you were there you'd have thought it was slightly maniacal, but it's the best decision I've made to this day."
In terms of replacements for the job, Trump says he has conjured up more suitable hairstyles. We then asked him what he would be looking for in future months as he begins his hiring process.
"Well I've done my research," Trump says. "I think I would really like a mullet - you know, something that says I can be serious enough to be the leader of the free world but not too serious so people know I can party too."
The Donald did not entirely rule out experimenting with hair dye. "Of course it's a possibility. Maybe what I really need is a serious change from what I'm used to. I think the dopes in this country would love it if I sported around the American flag on my head using hair dye. It would definitely show them I'm fit to be President because they'd see how patriotic I am. They'd really get a kick out of it."
Other contenders for the job, as stated by Trump, are Rapunzel hair, dreadlocks, and an inverted Mohawk.
"I am very excited for this next chapter in my life. I can't wait to keep you all updated on the rest of this journey, losers."
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