MODESTO, CA: Goodyear Satire Company--
Donald Trump told voters he has solutions to all of the nation's math problems because there are "plenty of numbers." He made the announcement last night at a rally at Modesto High School.
Seeking to appeal to college-age voters, Trump made the shocking claim that he alone can determine the length of the diagonal of a right angle just by knowing the length of each of the sides. The problem has bedeviled generations of students who have yet to comprehend the Pythagorean Theorem.
But Trump is not stopping at geometry.
"I will conquer Al Gebra," Trump confidently predicted, and the crowd leapt to its feet in cheers of USA! USA!.
Voters were clearly impressed."Trump is a great businessman," said long-haul driver Hank Treebranch of nearby Stockton. "Given two terms, I think he can even solve the Yang-Mills existence and mass gap."
Trump has previously promised to solve the problems of health care, immigration and radical Islamic terrorism through the sheer force of his mighty will. Rival Hillary Clinton has been much more cautious, meekly saying she will "try."
Trump also teased that within his first 100 days in office he would explain why time only goes forward. "Or seems to," he said with a knowing wink in his eye.
"The democrats don't want to solve these problems because if they do, they won't be needed anymore," said the golden-haired septuagenarian ego-king. "You will always need me," he hypnotized.
"Elect me and we won't be dealing with these old problems," Trump told voters. "We will be dealing with all new problems."
Writer's note: an earlier version of this story ran under the title, "Trump: I Will Solve The Pythagorean Theorem".