President Trump’s children seem dedicated to serve their father, who, on the surface, appears oblivious to the needs of others and seemingly obsessed with details that boost his ego. For me, these observations invite a discussion of narcissism and narcissistic parenting.
Complying with a rich powerful father doesn’t necessarily put a child at a disadvantage. But not all children of narcissistic parents fare as well as the Trump offspring.
(Self-disclosure: I had a father whose parenting showed narcissistic tendencies, and in rearing my children, I wasn’t free of narcissistic behavior either.)
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is defined as a mental disorder. A person suffering with this malady has an inflated sense of his own importance and a deep (and preoccupying) need for admiration coupled with a lack of empathy for others. A mask of appearances ( at times, even grandiose) hides a fragile ego that is especially vulnerable to criticism. As confident as he seems, his actions reveal that he lacks genuine self-esteem as a result of narcissistic parenting.
According to the literature at least 6% of the population has experienced clinical NPD from some angle at some point in their lives. Most of us have some narcissistic tendencies, and most parents don’t fall entirely into the extreme.
Often this psychological makeup causes problems in relationships, work, school, and financial affairs. When not granted the special favors or admiration they expect, people with NPD are unhappy and often find relationships unfulfilling.
Rather than condemning or judging the phenomenon, we best try to understand how this propensity is transmitted through the generations. One salient question can distinguish a narcissistic from a healthy interaction between parent and child. In a healthy interchange, a parent’s words show that he cares about his child’s wellbeing. He might say, “I want you to feel good about yourself.”
By contrast, a narcissistic exchange focuses on the quality of a child’s performance and accomplishments. For example, a parent might say, “That wasn’t very good. What will my friends think?”
The young child finds this kind of parent(ing) confusing and unpredictable. Whether he realizes it or not, the child of a narcissist reflects and serves the parent; his or her development may be diverted from their natural inclination. For example, when a parent insists on choosing a child’s profession, the child may concede to please their powerful progenitor.
When my parents opposed my choice to become a psychiatrist, I became a pathologist. After I completed the board exams in pathology, I had the courage to begin a course of psychotherapy to examine the motivation behind my ongoing wish to study psychiatry. Once the therapist confirmed that my interest was genuine, I followed my true path. To recognize the narcissistic features in my own parenting took a few more years. But the journey has been fascinating.
Conclusion: Narcissists are bred, not born and in some cases, can learn the error of their ways and improve their relationships with others. Positive parenting has the power to prevent narcissism.