“There are hundreds of sneaky ways to avoid paying taxes,” the Republican nominee declares. “Hard working Americans ought to have access to them all, just like rich guys.”
If elected President, Donald Trump pledged today he’ll transform the IRS Bureau of Taxpayer Compliance into a new Bureau of Taxpayer Assistance that will help individuals and small businesses avoid paying federal taxes. The new Bureau would provide information to ordinary taxpayers enabling them to use the same tax-avoidance loopholes and subterfuges that Mr. Trump has employed with remarkable success for decades. Trump trumpeted his pledge at a boisterous campaign rally in Witches’ Brew, Wisconsin.
“It’s the God’s truth, folks. I haven’t paid any federal taxes in years,” Trump boasted to the huge crowd. “Not a dime! That makes me smart, right?” he asked his audience.“Right?!”
The happy crowd roared its agreement.
“Nobody cheats on taxes better than me,” Trump went on, boasting.“That’s how I got to be such a winner! Now — in the name of fair play — I want the average Joe to learn to cheat as good as me. But it’s not a piece of cake. Trust me, tax evasion is a damned tricky business. And not many people are as smart as me — well, no one actually — not that I can think of, anyway. That’s why I want to give the average Joe a helping hand.”
The crowd went nuts.
“So here’s the deal: Elect me President in November and — right off the bat — I’m going to order the IRS to help you cheat, to tell you just what forms to use, what forms to destroy, what lies to tell, who to bribe — the whole schmeer! With any luck, folks, you’ll never have to pay a dime in federal taxes again. That I guarantee, folks, that I guarantee.”
At this, the crowd went bonkers. Hundreds of Make America Great Again baseball caps went flying into the air. Several old white men in the crowd fainted, apparently from a surfeit of pleasure. At least a dozen obese women tearfully promised each other they’d go on a diet.
However, as soon as Trump’s pledge was broadcast it came under fierce attack from the nation’s financial sector. Caldwell B. Cladwell, President and CEO of The 1% Club, an organization which consists exclusively of billionaires, appeared on Fox News, sputtering with rage.
“The ability of rich and powerful people to avoid paying taxes has been a mainstay of American capitalism for generations,” Cladwell exclaimed. “It’s been a great success story. And now Donald Trump wants ordinary people to get away with it? That’s dangerous! Ripping off the little guy is what made America great! Doesn’t Trump know that?! What an asshole! Oh, Jesus, this is going to be calamitous!”
(NOTE TO READERS: As this story goes to press, word is being received in the news room that Trump’s remarks made earlier at Witches’ Brew, reported on here, are causing a tremendous upheaval on Wall Street. Apparently, several billionaires have committed suicide by leaping out the windows of their skyscraper offices. There’s more to come . . . stay tuned!)
Satire by Byron Kennard: “I couldn’t be more serious about this funny stuff.”