According to a new study commissioned by the Trump administration, families with so much money they don’t know what to do with it will be particularly hard hit by the president’s proposed middle-class tax cuts, which will provide the most wealthy Americans with an additional windfall of such magnitude that they may go insane. These results were unfortunate, Mr. Trump said during a recent sit-down with Fox and Friends, since his corporate and individual tax cut legislation was intended to benefit all Americans.
“It’s really incredible. These stories of high net-worth individuals whose families have been affected by the disease of affluenza”, Mr. Trump further stated to his co-hosts, citing this theme as one he had often encountered this past year during his listening tour that had taken place at various golf courses across the nation.
“One man said his son had few friends since most of the people his son knew were only worth several million dollars”, the president said. “He begged me not to cut government revenue by $1.5 trillion dollars through tax cuts that largely benefited rich families like his. If we did, he said his son might only start befriending people with yachts.”
Others had been more pointed in their criticism, the president shared. After missing a bogey shot, one man told him: “I already have four homes, Mr. President. I don’t need another one!”
The fact that the president’s tax cuts would likely increase the hardship experienced by the most affluent Americans and their families was unfortunate, Mr. Trump said, but he emphasized, “According to my economic advisers, these tax cuts aren’t about them. They’re about a discredited theory of trickle-down economics that will provide every middle-class family the ability to afford a pair of diamond-encrusted cufflinks.”
The president ended his discussion of middle-class tax cuts with some good news for both point-zero-one percenters and other struggling Americans. High-income families, he said, who used their bloated tax returns to buy new luxury goods could ease symptoms associated with affluenza by donating old luxury goods - such as cufflinks, yachts, and Rolex watches - to individuals and families who were ravaged by the opioid epidemic.
“I only wish we had federal funds to address this national public health emergency”, he added. “But a nice watch is definitely more fun.”
As of press time, The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) had added “used luxury goods” as an evidence-based practice for treating opioid, cocaine, and alcohol addiction.