Welcome to the 50 states of America now officially called the campus of Trump University States of America. We hope that you enjoy your four years with us and we promise you, bigly, that you will get one hell of an education. Believe us.
Let's start our tour now!
There are actually two campuses here at TUSA. One on New York City's famed Fifth Avenue, which will not be called Plead the Fifth Avenue in celebration of the 3500 lawsuits that have been leveled at our founder, King Donald the First.
Your dorm is called Trump Tower and it has everything that any incoming freshman could ask for. Look! There's a Tiffany's, which is now called Ivanka's Jewelry Box! And hey! Why not grab a diamond encrusted ice cream or gold-flaked sorbet at the Parlor, which is now called No Good Humor (Mr. Softee having been rejected because trust me, there's no problem there). How about buying a Donald Trump mask at our very own Twick or Tweet Shop which is guaranteed to scare the shit out of you for all four years. And we have ghostwriters there too who will haunt you as they remind you that Mr. Trump did not write one single word of his book, "The Art of The Deal" which is only one of two books at our TUSA library. The other is an old "TV Guide" autographed with mindless doodles on the page that shows the show time for "The Apprentice".
Located on the Garden Level of the iconic dorm, is where you will find Outsourced, which features the finest in women's clothing and accessories. Backpacks? Who needs them when you can score one of Ivanka's casually tossed away handbags? And for the guys, there's the Donald J. Trump Collection, so named because you have to take up a collection to afford them.
Thirsty? Then grab yourself a bottle of Trump Natural Spring Water, which is now called This Ain't Flint.
Feeling not quite white enough? You're in luck. Because there are reverse tan salons everywhere which come equipped with three variable speeds: learning disability slow, medium rare and really fascist.
To furnish your room, head on over to our furniture store, Perfeqshun (spelled personally by Mr. Trump) where you can wade through floors of luxury furniture which was lovingly handcrafted by illegal immigrants and carpenters who never saw a dime for their work. Offended? Don't be. The motto here at TUSA is "Mine. Period. The End."
Unlike most other schools, rules here are meant to be broken. You can say what you want, when you want and hey! Feel free to grab a little T&A on your way to lack of class. All incoming freshman girls are equipped with sensors on their private parts and every time you hit one, you score points which can be converted into Trumpbucks -- which are good for one cufflink a year!
Now you may say to yourself, "Hey! Where are the minorities at?" Silly Rabbit. The latinos are here in force, invisibly cleaning your rooms and toilets and lucky them, they get to sleep on army cots in Mr.Trump's personal His-Panic Room. Coming in 2024: Black people!
As for your teachers, you'll get the kind of multi-billionaires, white nationalists, racists, anti-semites and religious-extremists-just-like-ISIS fanatics that you would expect here at good ol' TUSA. The lessons you will learn? Think twice before you vote.
Eventually, you will move to our Washington D.C. campus where our in-house cheerleader, Melania Trump, will teach you how to pose naked on fur-lined rugs on jet planes and stand in the background during a speech, squinting as if you are trying to find the exit sign. And PS: her favorite national holiday is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, because what woman doesn't love pearls?
Don't mind the lines of people flowing in and out 24/7 through the White White White White House. Those are just the continuation of the King Donald's Thank Your Tour -- which will only cost the average middle American family $75,000 to take. And hey! Ain't that Donald himself at the ticket booth? And for the first time ever there will be a souvenir shop every fifty feet!
Yes, The White White, White, House (which was almost called the HE House because there is not an ounce of WIT in it) is going to be tomorrow's Disneyland with all the free rides going to corporations and countries that invest heavily in Trump real estate and NOT you.
If you are really lucky you may just meet the man behind the curtain, the Wizard himself: Vice-Principal Pence (no that is not Robert Shaw in "From Russia With Love") and watch your step! You might trip over our very own somnambulist, Dr. Ben Carson, the new head of THUD. We're still waiting to see who will be the head of The Department of Labor and No Abortion. Stay tuned: your new Supreme Court, soon to be called The Salem Witchhunters, will be ready to control the "Christian" values and ovaries of women everywhere soon! (The new definition of Christian by the way, is now officially whatever a white man thinks a woman should do with her body).
By the end of your four years, if we have not been obliterated by nuclear war triggered by any number of countries that we have outraged, you will have learned absolutely nothing from the school itself but by living by example, you will have received a hot bachelor degree in sociopathic lying, grand theft, law-bending and sidestepping blind trusts for your own personal gain.
And by the way: that sheepskin will not only look great on your wall. In an emergency, it can be used as a condom because they are going to get really hard to find.
And this just in: "Time Magazine" has just named our leader as Person Of Interest of the year! Well deserved.