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It's been 112 years since two New Yorkers ran against each other for president (Teddy Roosevelt won). There was the four-term colossus of FDR, of course, followed by crickets: Thomas E. Dewey was the (losing) Republican in 1948; Geraldine Ferraro was the Democrats' (losing) veep candidate in 1984.
But now -- and this is Yuge -- Gotham is back, and we are relishing (with lots of relish) the very real possibility that two New York hot dogs could be the finalists (and that a third, Michael Bloomberg, could run as an independent).
Bernie Sanders, lately of Vermont, was born in Brooklyn and has the hard-boiled accent, in-your-face style and socialist chops to prove it. Donald Trump is upper-end Queens, but still Queens, where ambitious WASPs yearn to make it big in Manhattan -- which The Donald did with a million bucks from Dad.
(Hillary Clinton is sort of a New Yorker, but Chappaqua, where her email server lives, is Westchester County, which is too suburban to count. And she's really from Chicago.)
We at FTL would love to cover this political equivalent of a subway series. Let's admit it: We love New York City values -- all five boroughs. And a square-off between two New Yorkers would mean we could drop the burdensome Whitmanesque pretense of loving every square inch of America. (Walt Whitman, of course, was a New Yorker, and editor of the Brooklyn Eagle.) Because, with all due respect to our Iowa readers, have you ever been in Ottumwa in January?
So let the contest begin: cream cheese vs. foie gras, bagels vs. croissants, the New York Public Housing Authority Symphony Orchestra (yes, there is one) vs. the Metropolitan Opera. In a word, Bernie vs. The Donald.
May the bigger macher win.
| RANK | SCENARIO | |
|---|---|---|
 | THE ULTIMATE WASHINGTON ESTABLISHMENT APOCALYPSE So what would the RNC and the DNC do with themselves in the event of a Trump-Sanders matchup? Neither man is really a member of his nominal party in the traditional sense, and if they both succeed in winning their nominations, they’d owe nothing to the big party infrastructures that usually make these things happen. Our best guess is that Beltway political fixers would do a lot of “grudging acceptance” and take a lot of long walks. Can’t wait to read the autopsies, though! | |
 | SO MUCH FOR THE YOUNG, FRESH ELECTION Remember when we all thought this election was going to be Clinton vs. Rubio, and we wondered about how Clinton would contend with an old person’s concept of a young person? Well, Sanders is 74 and Trump is 69. We may as well have the debates in Atlantic City -- at least Bernie never went bankrupt there. | |
 | BLOOMBERG O'CLOCK MAY FINALLY BE HERE Michael Bloomberg’s main hobby -- commissioning presidential test polls -- has continued well into his post-mayoral career. He’s likely hoping for a Donny/Bernie matchup, as it’s the only scenario that affords room in the race for a moderate, gun-grabbing, soda-hating, environmentalist billionaire. Now we just need candidates from the Bronx and Staten Island. | |
 | A REAL NEW YORK VALUES BATTLE Boss Tweed vs. Bella Abzug? Emma Goldman vs. J.P. Morgan? One long Little Five Points Riot? The historical metaphors are going to come hot and heavy, and Graydon Carter is going to test a nation’s patience. | |
 | TRANSLATION SERVICES AVAILABLE FOR PEOPLE WEST OF THE HUDSON Americans will never be bellowed at as loudly, or as off-puttingly colloquially, as they would in a Trump-Sanders tilt, with the two men pounding at each other with chatterbox plosives dripping with phleghmy goop. Please stand clear of the closing doors! | |
 | A NEW YORK STATE OF ENDORSEMENT Prepare thyself for the inevitable Halperin-Heilemann star-banger sit-downs with New York City luminaries like Billy Joel, Gloria Steinem, Odell Beckham, Lorne Michaels and -- God help us all -- Derek Jeter. Here's the one question we really want answered, though: What do Bernie Madoff’s victims think about all this? | |
 | NOWHERE TO GO FOR WALL STREET What are the Masters of the Universe going to do in a race that pits Sanders, a guy who contends that their “business model is fraud,” against Trump, who abjures the synthetic puff of hedge fund quants because it produces nothing upon which he can affix his name? The answer depends on whether Michael Bloomberg has changed his phone number. | |
 | SAUL STEINBERG BACK IN VOGUE Really, what are all the nice Midwestern folks going to do in this race? Or the Southerners? Or the Left Coasters? Hey, don’t worry -- there’s a good chance actual New Yorkers won’t enjoy this, either. | |
 | NEW YORK MEDIA IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY We’re not talking about the big media conglomerates whose masses huddle on Manhattan’s broad avenues. No, we’re itching to see a Village Voice that’s trying to revive itself get into a shooting war with The New York Observer, as run by Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner. | |
 | THE VEEP CANDIDATES ARE GOING TO COME FROM (WAY, WAY, WAY) FAR AFIELD This is an opportunity for running mates from America’s hinterlands. Who knows what might happen? Maybe Trump will swallow his fear and bring his Canadian pally Ted Cruz “along for the ride.” If it comes to that, Bernie might go ahead and tap his favorite Scandinavian economist. |