ZURICH (Rooters): Presidential candidate Donald Trump's efforts to refute allegations about the size of his penis received a blow yesterday when a prominent Swiss sex researcher made public a scientific report indicating that Mr. Trump suffers from Small Penis Syndrome (SPS). Professor Herman Schwanzkopf, the report's author, warns that -- if Trump becomes President -- his efforts to over-compensate for having a "micro-penis" might pose a macro-threat to world peace.
But Schwanzkopf concludes his report by proposing a medical solution to this quandary. "Mr. Trump should get treatment for his SPS ASAP -- hopefully before his inauguration," the Professor recommends. "And that's entirely possible. Thanks to recent breakthroughs, penis enlargement is no big deal."
Herman Schwanzkopf, MPsych, D.Sx., is Director of the Institute for Male Regeneration, a sexology lab and clinic located in Zurich. Professor Schwanzkopf is renowned for his seminal research regarding the impact of the penis on world history.
In his most recent book, Genitals & Genocide (Jumbo Books, Little Rock, 2015), Professor Schwanzkopf argues that ambitious men with SPS often over-compensate for their condition by ruthlessly seeking domination over others. In the past, some of these SPS deniers became conquerers and despots who waged catastrophic wars in which millions died. Citing exhaustive research, Schwanzkopf contends that these wars were fought not for cultural, ethnic, national, racial or religious reasons, but to systematically eliminate other men who had bigger penises.
"We cannot allow such catastrophes to occur in the Nuclear Age," Professor Schwanzkopf declared at a press conference he called yesterday. "That's why -- strange as it seems -- the future of mankind may hang on Donald Trump's dick."
This issue was raised in the Republican presidential campaign when Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida) poked fun at his opponent's genitals. Rubio's probes aroused so much press attention that -- politically speaking -- Trump's penis became a hot potato. In response, Trump has put up a stiff fight.
During a recent presidential debate, for example, he tackled the issue with both hands, literally. "You know what they say about men with small hands," Trump said, knowingly. "Something else must be small." Then stretching his hands wide so the audience could see them, Trump asked, "Look at those hands. Are they small hands? I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee."
"Oh, there's a problem all right," Professor Schwanzkopf observed at the press conference. "And, typically, to deny the problem, a man like Trump will go to almost any length. So don't be surprised if he claims his penis measures eight or even nine inches. But the facts belie it."
"But, Herr Professor, what facts are these?" asked the reporter from Women's Wear Nightly. "Do you have any hard evidence? Have you measured his member?"
"No, Madame, I have not," the Professor replied. "There's no need to. We have science to rely on. In our lab we used the latest nanotechnology to analyze more than 300 hundred photographs of Trump's hands and stubby little fingers. Based on this research, I'd estimate that his penis is approximately the size and shape of a gherkin."
"A gherkin?! Oh, Ivana! The poor dear," exclaimed the lady from Women's Wear Nightly. "How in God's name did she ever get off?!"
"I cannot say," the Professor responded drily. "That's a question you'll have to ask the former Mrs. Trump."
The correspondent from Foreign Sexual Affairs spoke up next. "Professor Schwanzkopf, I'll be blunt," he stated emphatically. "I find your claims about Donald Trump's penis hard to swallow. You're trying to tie his tiny pee-pee to the fate of all mankind. That's an awfully big stretch. How do you get off doing that?"
"My new book, Genitals & Genocide, explains it all," Schwanzkopf responded. "The human male's aggressiveness and propensity for violence is greatly exaggerated in SPS deniers, especially those who are ambitious and ruthless. If such men succeed in seizing power, they will often assert their potency by making war."
"Napoleon Bonaparte's penis, for example, was only one and one-half inches long. To prove his virility the French Emperor launched one war after another -- wars in which almost 3 million soldiers died. It's almost certain, isn't it, that each and every one of them was better-endowed than the Emperor."
"Then there's Adolf Hitler who had a genital deformity that made his penis remarkably small, a condition called hypospadias. And there's Mao Zedong, who suffered from cryptorchidism -- that is, he had only one testicle. Between them, these two SPS deniers were responsible for the deaths of over 100 million people."
"Now, can you imagine a President Trump controlling America's nuclear arsenal?! Donald Trump! A man whose dick is about the size of a baby's little finger! Gott in Himmel! It could trigger the start of World War Three!"
At this point, the young male reporter from The Journal of New and Revised Medical Ethics jumped to his feet, and addressed Schwanzkopf excitedly. "Professor, earlier you said there's a medical fix for Trump's SPS -- that his penis could be enlarged -- that World War Three might be avoided! I thought you were full of bullshit, but now I see what you're talking about! This is exciting! You've aroused my hopes for the future! Bless you, Sir, bless you! Now I beg you, in the name of all mankind, please tell us, how can we actually reach this happy ending!?"
"At last," exclaimed Professor Schwanzkopf. "We get to the good news! Here it is: I don't intend to enlarge Mr. Trump's penis, I intend it to replace it! Oh, sure, we make his existing penis an inch or so longer. We can fatten it up a bit. But that's not going to satisfy Donald Trump. He needs -- he wants -- something huge!"
"I'm happy to announce here today that -- thanks to a recent breakthrough achieved at our lab, I've offered to give Donald Trump a penis transplant! And I've got a donated penis in the freezer all ready to go, a genuine whopper."
At this point the reporters in the room -- to a man -- grew quietly intent.
"Professor, can you describe this whopper -- uh, this penis -- in some detail?" requested the reporter from Men's Total Fitness.
"It's on the corpse of a Mexican immigrant -- a nine incher that's as thick as a Coke can. This pièce de résistance is Trump's for the asking. What a deal! How can he refuse? He'll be a new man and -- who knows -- with a joystick that gargantuan, maybe he won't need to become President at all!"
To date Mr. Trump has not yet responded to Professor Schwanzkopf's offer of a free penis transplant. Both his business office in New York City and his campaign headquarters declined to comment.
POSTSCRIPT: When Women's Wear Nightly tweeted Ivana Trump asking about the size of her former husband's penis, she tweeted back, "On that subject, my lips are sealed -- by Court order."
Rebuttal by Donald Trump made in a televised press conference held earlier today in Little Rock, Arkansas:
Folks, I gotta tell you, of all the dishonest, fraudulent reporting I've experienced in this campaign, this "report" is the worst, the absolute worst.
Obviously, this "Professor Schwanzkopf" is highly incompetent, very stupid, a moron, and not a nice person. And who the hell is he anyway? Nobody ever heard of him. Even his name sounds phony. I think somebody made it up. I asked my wife, Melania -- she's brilliant, an amazing person -- she speaks German, so I asked her, "Do you know what Schwanzkopf means in German? "Sure," she said," Schwanz means dick. Kopf means head.' So Schwanzkopf means dick-head!
Can you believe it, folks? Can you believe it?!
Trust me, this dick-head has zero credibility! Literally! Nobody reads his books! How could they? There aren't any! Whoever heard of Jumbo Books, a publisher supposedly located right here in Little Rock? Google 'em! They don't exist!
Hey, don't get me wrong. I love Little Rock! Such nice people here. It's amazing! And people here love me too. Have you seen the polls? Gee whiz! Schwanzkopf releases his stupid report and I go up ten points! Can you believe it?! Isn't that amazing?
Finally, my friends, get this. Schwanzkopf's organization? The Institute for Male Regeneration? It doesn't exist either. Supposedly it is located in Zurich, Switzerland. Give me a break! Have you ever been to Zurich? Such a mess! Very boring! Nobody goes there anymore. And, besides, the Swiss are not our friends. They're stealing us blind.
I'll be totally honest with you, folks. This entire article is a scam, a joke. I'm going to sue the author just for fun. He's a clown.
And, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, just so you'll know, when erect, my dick is ten inches long -- eleven on a good day. I guarantee it."
(Release of this statement authorized by Donald J. Trump. For more information, please visit www.bigdicktrump.com.)
How to vote
Vote-by-mail ballot request deadline: Varies by state
For the Nov 3 election: States are making it easier for citizens to vote absentee by mail this year due to the coronavirus. Each state has its own rules for mail-in absentee voting. Visit your state election office website to find out if you can vote by mail.Get more information
In-person early voting dates: Varies by state
Sometimes circumstances make it hard or impossible for you to vote on Election Day. But your state may let you vote during a designated early voting period. You don't need an excuse to vote early. Visit your state election office website to find out whether they offer early voting.My Election Office
General Election: Nov 3, 2020
Polling hours on Election Day: Varies by state/localityMy Polling Place