It is estimated that 45,000 lives are lost every year in the United States due to a lack of proper health coverage. The following is an overview of the immodest healthcare proposal put forth by the GOP to help solve the national health care crisis. A proposal which appears to be unduly influenced and major portions possibly plagiarized from the late, beloved Dr. Jonathan Swift’s pioneering work “A Modest Proposal” in which Swift suggested that the economic plight of the poor could be solved by selling their children at the local meat market for mass consumption by the salivating elites.
Let’s begin with the radioactively glowing words of representative Roger Marshall “Just like Jesus said, ‘The poor will always be with us,’”Marshall, a doctor and first-term congressman (with a complete benefits package paid for by the tax dollars of his constituents) emphatically noted while defending a bill that would cost more than 20 million people their healthcare. “There is a group of people that just don’t want health care and aren’t going to take care of themselves.”
Thank you Roger for getting to the root of the country’s healthcare crisis. Yes, of course, if it’s one thing people absolutely don’t want for themselves and their families it’s food, shelter and basic health coverage. Whatever would we do without our so-charitable-that-it-hurts elected officials in their gold glistening cufflinks pointing out the painfully obvious to us?
And why would anyone doubt Roger Marshall? He is a highly-paid professional when it comes to knowing how to take care of oneself. The Healthcare bill he so vocally adores and so strongly supports exempts himself and all members of Congress and their staffs from losing the previous healthcare bill's more popular provisions such as coverage for pre-existing conditions. It’s like the old saying “What’s good for the goose is good for the goose . . . I mean . . . uhm . . . gander.”
Marshall’s fellow Republican Jason Chaffetz who would also be immune and unaffected by the cuts proposed by the new healthcare bill oozes with even more Christian compassion than Marshall. “The poor must choose between an iPhone or healthcare.” Chaffetz’s compassion is equaled only by his astounding number-crunching skills:
Average Lung Cancer treatment cost = 60,000 initially, 7,000 each year after.
Average Breast Cancer treatment cost = 23,000 initially, 2,200 each year after.
Average Stomach Cancer treatment cost = 78,000 initially, 4,200 each year after.
iPhone 7 cost = buying an iPhone through a wireless carrier costs 27 dollars per month for a two year period.
If these costs seem overwhelming do not fret. Rep. Mo Brooks of Alabama has a cost effective two-step solution that can be applied to even the lowest income households -Step One: Lead a healthy life. Step Two: Don’t ever get sick. Brooks during an interview with Jack Tapper on CNN outlined this plan and reached out to reassure viewers who might be economically impacted by the bill that “people who lead good lives don’t have to worry about dealing with healthcare costs.”
But “what if” you lead a healthy life and somehow need emergency medical services during the course of your lifetime, you ask?
U.S. Rep. Bill Huizenga, a father of five, offered himself up as a perfect example of what to do in such a situation. Huizenga recounted how his youngest son fell and injured his arm. Not sure if the child’s arm was sprained or broken, he and his wife decided to wait until the next morning to take their 10-year-old to the doctor's office, instead of going to the emergency room that night.
The child was sent to bed to suffer and agonize overnight until they finally took him in to the Emergency room the next day.
The child’s arm turned out to be broken.
See how simple and effective that was? So simple in fact that it’s nothing at all.
And for those still concerned about a healthcare bill with no CBO score being negotiated behind closed doors in secret meetings by a small group of old, rich entitled white guys I offer up this further reassurance from White House Press Secretary/Melissa McCarthy dead-ringer Sean Spicer. Spicer when questioned about the bill and the long-lasting negative consequences it could have on tens of millions of Americans noted the bill’s slim 137 pages as concrete proof that it was a financially viable and morally resolute piece of legislation. "For all the people who have concerns about this, especially on the right," Spicer said, "look at the size."
As anyone who took Civics in high school was taught that a bill should not be judged by what it proposes such as tax breaks for millionaires at the expense of thousands of preventable deaths but by its’ page count.
So everyone rest easy. You can all go back to watching “America’s Got Talent.” No more pesky questions about how to cover long-term medical costs. No more crazy talk about preventive medicine. And not another word about pre-existing conditions.
Tune in to CSPAN next week when Congress takes up a bill to replace “The Star Spangled Banner” with the Dead Kennedy’s “Kill the Poor” as the new national anthem.
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