The President took a test that is known as a rapid-screening instrument for “mild cognitive dysfunction” that focuses on “attention and concentration, executive functions, memory, language” and other mental skills. It asks patients to repeat a list of spoken words, identify pictures of animals like a lion or camel, draw a cube or draw a clock face set to a particular time.
The result, according to White House physician and suddenly independently wealthy man, is that Trump did “exceedingly well, the president was “very sharp” and fit to do the job.
Huffington Post was able to secure a copy of the test and Trump’s responses.
Q: Mr. President please repeat the following words: Train, ladder, battery, office, car.
A: (Mumbling and audible moaning)
Q: I’m sorry, what did you say?
A: I said what you said. The words. Every single one. Absolutely perfectly. Next.
Q: What is two and one?
A: A party with Stormy Daniels and her friend Misty at Mar-a-Lago, Christmas Eve. Trust me, Jesus’s name was said out loud a lot that night,.
Q: Name four great African American leaders.
A: Mr. T, who was just tremendous on my show, I got him a great deal on gold chains. Believe me. Bill Cosby, who I admire greatly. We have so many things in common. Jesus. Four. Oh. O.J. Simpson who may be related to Homer, we’re looking into that. Again: so many things in common. That’s it.
Q: That was only three.
A: No. That was actually five. Believe me.
Q: Say whatever comes to your mind to every word I say. Woman.
A: American Love Buddies, the Serbian Escort Service. You can buy a wife for like 200 dinars.
Q: Michael Wolfe
A: Missing.
Q: No, he’s not.
A: Yet.
Q: Bob Mueller
A: Norway
Q: Sorry?
A: As in there is Norway he’s gonna get me.
Q: McDonald's
A: Named for me. An honor.
Q: Don, Jr.
A: Daddy’s little grease monkey who I believe has actually gotten even shorter since we moved in. He keeps tripping over his pants cuffs. Have you seen his collection of severed elephant tails? He actually made a shower curtain out of them.
Q: Eric
A: Wrist and ankle restraints at night help. He once got as far as the Greyhound Bus station in Philadelphia wearing only a large sombrero.
Q: Ivanka
A: When we are reincarnated: a definite shot.
Q: Tell me what you see in this picture: (Photo of Obama)
A: Dark Vader,
Q: And this (Steve Bannon)
A: The homeless man who we hired who always smelled like the toilets at Shea Stadium.
A: Injun trouble.
Q: Africa and Haiti
A: The only two states I did not campaign in. I wasn’t going to get the black vote anyway, so I figured, why bother? And I never called them “shitholes.” Thinking out loud is not the same thing as saying out loud. There is a huge difference, believe me.
Q: Finish this sequence: 1,2,3…
A: Buckle my shoe.
Q: Fill in the blank: Vladimir Putin is….
A: I believe married to Tyne Daley who was either Cagney or Lacey. To this day I can’t figure out who was what .
Q: Fox and Friends
A: Messages received when I wear a tin foil hat.
Q: Golf
A: My full-time job. Being President is what I do when I’m not working.
Q: Neo-Nazis
A: Very underrated. Very talented marchers. Not great drivers. But hey, nobody is perfect, right?
Q: Con artist
A: We’ll wait until we see my official portrait.
Q: The Presidency
A: This brand is my brand, this brand is your brand, this brand was made for you but mostly me. We’re seeing tremendous profits. And that is why I am contributing my yearly salary to the Donald J. Trump foundation for Yearly Salaries.
Q: How do you feel about your weight?
A: Well most of it is my hair and the accumulation of Aqua Net. I believe my do weighs around 150 which is more than your average football helmet, believe me. Enough Diet Coke can turn you orange. It’s like radiation in a can. So, not my fault. My stomach and ass, I admit, wiggle like those waterbeds in the seventies, but they are both great indicators for earthquakes, so they actually save lives.
Q: What is the result of this test that I will be reporting to the public?
A: That is not up to me. That would be wrong.
Q: Wow. Okay, then I can report that you are staggeringly unhealthy and mentally incompetent?
A: Yes you can. But not before you meet with The Amazing Randy who will b be sharing with you his truly amazing hypnotizing techniques which will come right before you tell the world about my amazing genetics and the possibility that I could live to 200. He was trained in Manchuria, by the way.
Q: And the electronic transfer from Deutsche Bank?
A: Paid in laundered Mob Rubles. And copies of my new book, The Art of the Steal which has a forward by my great friend, Bernie Madoff. Let’s just call it mutual admiration. Although one of us is in jail. And I have a desk in the Awful Office.
Q: Thank you, Mr. President.
A: No. Thank you, Dr. Seuss. I love your books.