Trump's Terror-Fighting Immigration Test

Largely foiled in his attempts to stop incoming terrorists with travel bans and broad ethnic insults, President Trump has ordered officials at the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services to re-design the U.S. Citizenship Exam as a better ISIS-fighting and culture-elevating tool. (Word has it Trump even wrote some questions himself).

Below is a a partial draft first leaked by Reality Winner, but discarded because the media mistakenly assumed it was released by Taylor Hicks. Take it yourself to see how much of a (non-threatening but) great American you are!

MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION

1) So, are you are a terrorist?

a. No

b. Yes

c. I’m currently between terrorisms

----------------------------------------------------------

2) An American is allowed to vote only when which of the following conditions are met?

a. He or she is over 25

b. He or she has a driver’s license

c. All the contestants have finished singing

----------------------------------------------------------

3) Do you subscribe to Radical Islam?

a. No, of course not.

b. Yes

c. Not unless it comes bundled with my Cooking Light.

----------------------------------------------------------

4) To the best of your personal knowledge, please list the average purchase price of each of the following items:

a. One quart of lactose-free milk

b. One loaf of whole wheat bread

c. One pound of enriched, weapons-grade uranium

----------------------------------------------------------

5) Complete the sentence: “Trans fat is ____________.”

a. Good for you

b. Bad for you

c. An airline for obese people

----------------------------------------------------------

6) When is it apparently appropriate to make a racist, homophobic, or anti-Semitic remark?

a. On the radio

b. As you’re being arrested

c. During a campaign stop

d. On Twitter

e. All of the above

----------------------------------------------------------

7) How unlikely is it that you are not a terrorist?

a. Highly likely

b. Not unlikely

c. Likely unlikely

----------------------------------------------------------

8) What is the greatest thing about Vladimir Putin?

a. His leadership

b. His greatness

c. His fantastic ability to keep secrets

d. His not having interfered in the 2016 election #FakeNews

e. Covfefe

----------------------------------------------------------

9) Which of the following is satisfactory evidence that you were born in this country?

a. A birth certificate

b. A mullet

c. A flag pin

d. Accusing someone else of not being born in this country.

e. B, C, and D

----------------------------------------------------------

10) Which of the following is neither an official Olympic event nor an enhanced interrogation technique?

a. Water polo

b. Sleep deprivation

c. Snowboarding

d. Waterboarding

e. Crowdsourcing

----------------------------------------------------------

11) In America, having more than 10 children entitles you to what?

a. Welfare

b. Medicaid

c. Obamacare

d. Your own TV show

----------------------------------------------------------

12) What’s the most significant societal impact of gay people being given the right to marry?

a. Traditional marriage has been weakened

b. Traditional marriage has been strengthened

c. Dancing at weddings has improved dramatically

d. Baking cake has become a “religious liberty”

----------------------------------------------------------

13) In America, you have the right to bear arms if you are what?

a. In a well-regulated militia necessary to the security of a free state

b. Breathing

c. Michelle Obama

----------------------------------------------------------

14) Which of the following is least appropriate in American communities?

a. Nicki Minaj

b. Wiz Khalifa

c. Shania Twain

d. Sharia Law

----------------------------------------------------------

15) What’s the difference between A and B?

a. A is A

b. B is greater than A

c. B is A

d. Death to America!

----------------------------------------------------------

OPEN-ENDED SECTION

1. What’s the maximum number of items allowed in a supermarket “express line”?

----------------------------------------------------------

2. Briefly describe the contributions of five of the following ten American patriots:

* Donald Trump

* James Corden

* The Progressive Insurance Lady

* Justin Bieber

* Ivanka Trump

* Ronald McDonald

* Corinne Olympios

* Siri

* Alex Jones

* Sergey Kislyak

----------------------------------------------------------

3. Name four television channels that come included in a basic, but not premium, cable package.

----------------------------------------------------------

4. Compare and contrast at least two Kardashians.

----------------------------------------------------------

5. How great is bacon?

----------------------------------------------------------

6. No, really, are you a terrorist?

----------------------------------------------------------

7. In early American history, was it kind or unkind to rewind?

----------------------------------------------------------

8. Paper or plastic?

----------------------------------------------------------

9. Who is Hillary Clinton and why?

----------------------------------------------------------

10. In 50 words or less, please fix our healthcare system.

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS