THE BLOG

Truth in Dating

Everyone knows that the real and honest way to be in a relationship is to say what you feel, and mean what you say. But what if that comes at the cost of possibly losing someone who you enjoy more than any other person you have ever met?
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.

How do you feel about me? Where is this relationship going? Do we have a future together? Is this turning into something real or are we just really having fun? Those are the questions that go through our minds when we are dating. These questions all cause the topic of this article. Which is harder: staying silent or letting your real feelings be known?

Everyone knows that the real and honest way to be in a relationship is to say what you feel, and mean what you say. But what if that comes at the cost of possibly losing someone who you enjoy more than any other person you have ever met?

Here is the situation: You are dating someone. It's been several months of nothing but wonderful, for both of you. There have been no blow ups, communication is at the forefront and the only obligation you have ever given each other is to be honest. But then it's time for the "what are we talk". The natural reaction when things are going well is to avoid it at all costs. "If it aint broke", right? Wrong.

By putting all of that under the rug all you are really doing is denying yourself what you truly need and breaking the rule of always being honest. You are denying yourself validation and as much as we all want to deny we don't need it, we do. Let's be honest. When you are falling in love with someone, the need for validation that they feel the same can eat away and actually do more harm than you know.

Holding it in teaches you from the beginning of the relationship how to not be honest with your partner. Put on that poker face and pretend like there isn't a giant elephant in the room every time you are together. Not speaking your needs teaches your partner that you and your needs are not equal to their own, and in turn teaches them that it is ok with you that they treat you as such. It is very true we teach people how to treat us and no relationship is 50/50, both people must be willing to give 100% or it will never work.

What if you are feeling the need to have such an important conversation but have fears as to whether or not it will actually end with the dreaded "I'm not ready to commit". We really need to start listening to our instincts. If you are too afraid to tell your partner how you truly feel and having those feelings truly validated, there is a high chance your relationship is doomed for failure. If you hold onto your feelings in secret, your relationship is doomed to fail. If you can't find the gumption to even awkwardly ask, "Where are we going with this", the answer is easy... nowhere. You cannot have any sort of meaningful relationship based on the pseudo solid ground of secrets. If your instincts are telling you that your partner will run the other way at the sheer thought of having to define the difference between just dating and girlfriend/boyfriend, I'm sad to say but your relationship is probably doomed.

Instead, take the chance. Find the nerve and confidence and let your partner know what you need. It is not selfish or needy or insecure to define a need for validation. Of course that statement implies the keywords of in moderation. If any aspect of a relationship is lacking you need to tell your partner. You need to maintain the original promise of the only obligation between the two of you being honesty. If you needed more physical affection from your partner you would ask for it. So why would you deny yourself and your partner that same respect when it comes to something as easy as validation.

Take the chance. The reality is that either way, you win; even if you do end up breaking up in the end. At least then you would know early enough on that any time and feelings invested are not going to be as earth shattering as looking back two years later and still not having what you need in a relationship.

Keep these words in mind, "you don't get what you don't ask for". It is so much more difficult and overall damaging to all involved to deny your own needs and hold your feelings in. Find the nerve, find the respect for yourself and the other person and just lay it out there and more importantly, just be honest. What is meant to be, will.

MORE IN Divorce