Hi, Mr. Cooper. It's Martin. I'm actually glad you didn't pick up, it'll be much easier to just say this over your answering machine.
As you probably noticed, I haven't shown up for work at all this week. I know it must have caused some problems, especially since this was the week of our big merger. But I swear I have a very good reason for my absence.
Last weekend I saw that new Ben Stiller movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and it really affected me. A sad, ignored worker, going on an adventure to escape the routine of his horrible boring job? That sounds just like our office, am I right?
When I came home, I immediately packed my suitcase and decided to go on an adventure of my own. Believe me, explaining this to you is way easier than having to explain this to my wife and kids. Especially since I already disappeared for two weeks on Christmas break when I saw The Desolation of Smaug.
Anyway, after telling the kids why they, once again, can't join daddy on his life changing trip to the most wild and fun places in the world, I drove to the airport and bought a one way ticket to Iceland. By the way, this whole thing really burned a hole in my credit card, so if there's any chance you'd let me keep my job, I'd be super happy if you could give me an advance on next month's paycheck. Thanks.
When I got to Iceland I was all ready for my enlightening moment. I couldn't wait to experience all the world has to offer. But it turned out it's not so easy to go Walter Mittying (that's how I called it, it got some huge laughs in Tahiti). I learned pretty early on that I'm not that keen on adventures. He did some dangerous things in that movie. I mean, Swimming with sharks? I have a wife and kids for god's sake. Could you imagine how they would feel if their father was devoured to death by a shark? Besides, I'm really more of a lie-on-the-beach sort of guy.
So I did some research, which was also something that Mitty character never bothered to do. How could you just travel from country to country without so much as a good recommendation on a hotel? If Mitty used Trip Advisor, he would have avoided so many troubles. Anyway, I planned a really great route to visit all the best beaches and spas the world has to offer. It really relaxed me. You should try it. When I woke up from my afternoon nap after the two hour massage I got, I started to really understand why Mitty went on this quest. It really did change my life. Plus, I had a happier ending than that movie had, if you know what I mean...
Well, I think I'm just rambling on now. I'm afraid your answering machine is going to cut me off, so I'll just say this- I really hope you won't fire me when I come in on Monday. I'd hate to ruin the good experience I had following Ben Stiller's advice by finding out I no longer have a job. I don't think he thought it all the way through. I mean, he could always go make another movie. But people like us, this is all we have. These Hollywood people, they never think about the little man. All they care about is getting our money on movie tickets. Well, I got the last laugh- I didn't even pay, I downloaded it off the internet.
Oh, and if you get the chance, could you tell all the guys in the office I'm really sorry about dropping that stink bomb in the vents? I really didn't think I was ever coming back.
(image courtesy of 20th century fox)