"Twas the Night Before Fitness

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Twas the night before Fitness
And all through the gym
All the people were sweating
Focused on thin.

The weights were being lifted
by men with chest hair
In hopes that big biceps
would hide thin hair.

The people were sweating
with pounds still to shed
But they kept up their hope-
they were not quite yet dead

And personal trainers helped fill in the gap
If folks weren't motivated and needed a zap.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter
All Zumba teachers gathered to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorway they danced like a flash
Did several hip thrusts and gave us whip lash.
The moon on the pecs of the girl in front row
Gave the luster of stripper poles to dancers below

When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But the king of all health, the fitness pioneer.
With an outfit of doc scrubs I took a brief pause
I knew in a moment it must be Doc Oz!

More rapid than eagles his edicts they came.
He lectured and shouted, called diseases by name.
Now Cancer!
Now Fiber! Now Vitamin C!
On, Jogging!
On Heart Rate!
What color's your pee!

"Take a long walk
even if you must crawl"
And Lord help the poor schmuck
with bad cholesterol

Then in a twinkling,
my eyes did now glean
Who was now here
but Oprah, the Queen!

As I drew in my head
and was turning around
I couldn't help but notice
that Oprah was round.

She's tired of dieting
she said with a sigh
It's too hard to do it,
she started to cry.

A bundle of tips
the Oz pulled from his sack
He knew he could help her
to get on back on track

His eyes how they twinkled!
His chest just-right hairy
He had to be careful
she felt quite contrary

He spoke not a word
but went straight to his work
It was a job for the Oz-Man,
that others might shirk.

With fat calipers pinching
at her adipose
He measured and guessed
how much her BMI rose

He blinked and then gave
a shocking update
He decided that Oprah
could stay at her weight

We all still love her
and accept her in spite
Merry Fitness To All
and to all a Good Night.