Marriage is something to be held in high regard, but that doesn’t mean it has to be taken seriously all the time.
In fact, the hilarious, absurd and often mundane aspects of married life make excellent fodder for the Twitterverse. Below, 26 relatable tweets you can’t help but laugh at.
Marriage is just a competition to see who had the longer day.
— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 13, 2016
Pitching a cooking show where the recipe is planned but the husband brings all the wrong ingredients home and I make hot dogs.
— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) January 11, 2017
MARRIED SEXT
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
ME: I’ve looked everywhere for my keys
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 23, 2015
WIFE: Everywhere?
M: Yes
W: *opens drawer, pulls out keys*
M: That drawer was NOT there 2 minutes ago
WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight
— Ally Gator (@notacroc) July 1, 2016
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how's the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
Marriage is an equal partnership where I get one dresser drawer and part of the closet in the guest room.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 9, 2016
sometimes to spice things up, my wife and i deal an extra card in Apples to Apples lol what even is marriage
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 14, 2017
Ate my wife's chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn't like those but guess what guys they weren't coffee flavored.
— keith (@tchrquotes) January 11, 2017
WIFE: He won't stop pretending he works for Buzzfeed.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 20, 2017
THERAPIST: Any reason for that?
ME: I'll give you 10 reasons and #7 will shock you.
That "he went to Jared!" ad, but it's my husband walking by a 3 ft ceramic giraffe, rubbing his temples & grumbling "she went to Homegoods."
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 15, 2016
[At dinner with wife's friends]
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) January 7, 2017
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 7, 2014
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.
My wife and I are about to assemble a TV stand as a team.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2017
I'm telling you now because this is probably my last post as a married man.
[leaving for work]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
My husband falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow if you were wondering how exhausting it is to be married to me.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 4, 2016
me: how drunk was I last night?
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) January 1, 2017
wife: you kept saying "bruh" unironically
me: I am so sorry
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 17, 2016
Marriage is being able to identify your spouses snoring in a pitch black room
— Mr. Hook🇺🇸 (@Phook75) January 21, 2017
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 4, 2016
My wife found a spider in the shower.
— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
Wife's all runnin' around buying organic bananas like we're the goddamned Rockefellers!!!
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) January 16, 2017
It's Friday night and I just spent 3 hours at Pier 1 Imports...
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) April 30, 2016
For those of you out there thinking about getting married...
Wife: You always make me laugh.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2016
Me: You finally get my jokes.
Wife: At you, not with you.
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