Alone time is hard to come by when you’re a parent. It’s even more of a challenge during a pandemic, when many families are quarantined at home 24/7.
Parents desperate for a few moments of peace are venting their frustrations on Twitter ― and getting quite a few laughs. We’ve rounded up 27 funny and relatable tweets from parents just trying to get some alone time in quarantine.
Live ~ Laugh ~ Lock yourself in the bathroom and enjoy some alone time today. You deserve it.— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) May 3, 2020
Family Quarantine Diary: Day 52— The Dad (@thedad) May 5, 2020
Just laid siege on my kid’s fort so I had a place for alone time.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 20, 2020
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If you see a car sitting in an abandoned parking lot, just know it's probably a mom, trying to get some peace, quiet, and work done. #Quarantine— Kristen Mei Chase (@thatkristen) April 30, 2020
parenting makes you do weird things like hate the daylight for waking your kids and preventing them from going to bed— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2020
Quarantine level: I let my 3yo play with playdoh before 8am and I didn’t even try to stop her when she started combining colors cause it gave me a few min of peace and quiet— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 18, 2020
*Husband takes the kids outside so I can be alone— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) May 11, 2020
*Grab a book and sit down to relax ALL BY MYSELF for the first time in 8 weeks
Baby inside my uterus: *kicks* Bitch, you thought.
5yo: Mommy, I want some alone time but my sister won’t leave me be.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 17, 2020
Me: Dude, same.
Don’t tell my kids but when I say they can play video games as a reward for being done their schoolwork the reward is for me and the reward is silence and being left alone— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 21, 2020
Crazy that I stay up late every night and consistently feel like crap the next day but will never do it differently because I’m a mom and that’s the only peace and quiet I get.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 25, 2020
Husband and kids go out for a walk.— 😷🏡Ohio mom of two🏡😷 (@OhioMomoftwo) May 24, 2020
Me: Ahhhhhhh....peace and quiet!
Neighbor: This is a perfect time for circular saw use.
Homeschooling Tip: if you count Tiktok in their rooms as kids music, dance and PE classes you might get a few hours alone in peace.— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) April 17, 2020
[8 AM]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 25, 2020
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife: Why didn't you wake me?
Whenever I want quiet time, I ask my kid how to Minecraft a Pikachu in Roblox.— Marlantined (@Marlebean) May 26, 2020
3yo: tell me a joke dad.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 18, 2020
Me: okay here’s one...tomorrow you’re going to give me some time to be alone.
3yo: no make it funnier.
Me: okay you’re also going to let me sleep in.
Me: I hate silence because I can’t be alone with my thoughts— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) April 25, 2020
Quarantine with kids: I gotchu
I told my kid he could play a video game so I could have a moment to sit in silence.— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) March 18, 2020
Now all I’m getting is “mom watch this!” and I did not think this through.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: I will close the kids outside while you nap.— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 5, 2020
ACTS OF SERVICE: *closes kids outside while you nap*
TOUCH: *high fives you before closing the kids outside*
GIFTS: Gives you waffles and a mimosa
QUALITY TIME: Time alone to enjoy your drink and your waffles
9-year-old: What should we get Mom for Mother's Day?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2020
Me: A little peace and quiet.
9: So we have to leave the house?
My husband doesn’t understand why I need so much alone time and I’m like I LITERALLY GREW THREE HUMANS AND THEN FED THEM FROM MY BODY FOR OVER A YEAR EACH I HAVEN’T BEEN ALONE IN ALMOST A DECADE— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) May 8, 2020
I DRASTICALLY overestimated the amount of alone time my wife and I would have with my kids home 24/7— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 19, 2020
I just made kids run up and down our block 10 times ( don’t worry no one else was out) *because physical education is important.— Heather 🦠doo do doo do doo do doo do (@dishs_up) March 16, 2020
*because they shut up for the duration of the running, it was glorious!
Me: what do you want for mother's day?— The Dad (@thedad) May 7, 2020
Wife: just some peace and quiet
Me: aww well *grabs her hand lovingly* then we shouldn't have had that kid
7 got mad at me and didn't talk to me for a while hour.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 23, 2020
How do I make all 3 of them mad at me so I get a good solid hours peace?
Wrong answers only.
I guess my toddler wanted to spend some quality time alone with his mom this morning and let me know by saying “go away dad...just go poop”— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 21, 2020
A kids version of the "Saw" movie but they can only escape by giving their parents just 5 minutes of peace— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 14, 2020
I told my kids to be good and not fight for 20 minutes so I could take a shower in peace, and then we all laughed and laughed.— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) March 20, 2020