Some couples have sex almost every night. Others are perfectly content doing it every other month or even less frequently than that.
Regardless of which category you fall into, the 18 spot-on tweets below will sound awfully familiar to married folks.
There comes a point in every marriage where one of you becomes the IT guy during sex:
— Blinky McBlinksalot (@nagunnatelya) May 20, 2015
"Did you try jiggling it? MOVE I'LL DO IT MYSELF!"
I'm best at sex when I'm a little ragey so for foreplay, we watch a few episodes of House Hunters.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 20, 2016
*has sex with bedroom door unlocked*
— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) December 10, 2014
*adds thrill seeker to resume*
Wife: I bet an area rug would look nice in the living room
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) May 9, 2016
Me:...
W: You don't agree?
M: Can we talk about it when we're not having sex?
*calls wife into the bedroom*
— Goats? (@Gooooats) July 23, 2015
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*
[after sex]
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) April 29, 2016
may I interest you in a snack? *motions to incredibly extensive cheese platter on nightstand*
I can't release my sex tapes because the audio is just kids shouting, "Mom, can I have a snack?" through a locked door.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 3, 2015
Unseasonably warm weather is like impromptu sex - welcome, but, like, don't expect my legs to be shaved.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 8, 2016
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016
Her:I can't connect to the WiFi here.
— Balls Deep (@ThRealBallsDeep) May 27, 2016
Me: Is your hotspot turned on?
H: This is no time for sex, Mike...I need to send this email!
Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
— Nebraska Bob (@Bobinhiding) February 23, 2013
[about to sex]
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) July 30, 2015
wife: can we do it one time w/out-
*wheeling gong out of closet*
me: w/o the sex gong? but how will we know when to begin?
My wife says since the last bed fire I'm not allowed to use sparklers in my after sex victory dance.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) March 23, 2016
When you're married, the saying "your clothes would look a lot better on the floor" changes to the "in the laundry basket".
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) June 18, 2016
My mating call is literally ANY variation of my wife hinting she wants sex.
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ™ (@jergarl) June 15, 2016
Or maybe she saw a spider. Either way I'm taking my pants off.
When we were younger, sex ended with, "Hell yeah." Now it's, "Shit the bus is here. Oh well. Good try."
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 18, 2013
Married sex?
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 22, 2016
Is that when you climb in bed, remove your sleeping spouse's limbs from your side of the bed and say "breathe the other way"?
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