Marriage is a long, long haul and if you and your partner don’t have a sense of humor ― well, good luck to you.
Below, we’ve gathered 22 relatable tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 14, 2013
Wife: This brownie fell on the floor. Do you want it?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2017
Me: Are you flirting with me?
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
Marriage means sometimes you have to apologize for something you did in another person's dream.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2017
Husband just freed a few pieces of Cool Ranch Dorito from my hair while hugging me and this is how sex starts.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 13, 2017
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress.— Bazza (@garrettbarry70) February 28, 2016
Me. Sure *Snip* There you go.
Me. No problem.
*Kicks pony tail under bed.
Can't wait to get home and eat frozen pizza while my wife tells me what I'm doing this weekend.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 5, 2017
Protip: If you’re wondering how many times it’s okay to tell your wife “Cash me outside” before she heads outside the answer is two.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 13, 2017
You don't even need an alarm clock when you're married cuz he will loudly clear his throat and wake you at 6am every morning until you die.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 11, 2017
Wife: The guests are arriving, how's dinner coming?— Sharky (@foodfacenow) May 11, 2017
Me:*frantically tearing open Lunchables* Great, just need to plate the first course
[getting ready to go out]— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 12, 2017
Wife: I have nothing to wear!
Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
What do I do?? My wife is in the middle of washing the dishes and I have a dirty dish for her. Do I just toss it in and run?!— It's Alex (@AlexTheAlky) February 2, 2016
At the end of an argument, my wife told me I was right.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2017
I suspect a trap.
If you don’t hear from me again, call the police.
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
90% of marriage is just one person asking the other if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 17, 2017
HUSBAND: What's the emergency? I was in a client meeting.— Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) May 1, 2017
ME: Did you move my shower crackers?
I like to tell my husband "do whatever you want" then watch him be completely unsure of what that means.— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) May 7, 2017
Me: I want a houseplant— K-2sObi (@ThaJawn) January 12, 2016
Wife: Ok but you have to take care of it
*few weeks later*
Wife: Your houseplant died
Me: What houseplant
No amount of premarital counseling can prepare you for how much of marriage is hearing someone ask you if you've seen their keys.— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) April 28, 2017
Everytime my wife yells "that's not funny" it just means I will do that thing until we die.— ᗪr-Phil-Good (@philco816) June 27, 2016