Two-year-olds are a pretty formidable bunch.
Between the tantrums, messes and general toddler shenanigans, there’s a reason people call this phase “the terrible twos.” Fortunately, parents can commiserate with humor.
We’ve rounded up 33 funny tweets about parenting 2-year-olds. Keep scrolling for some hilarious anecdotes and spot-on reflections.
Get off the table. Stay away from the trash. Stop licking old pizza. Don't play in the litter.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) February 27, 2016
-Me, talking to my 2yo, not my cat
My 2-year-old is running around the house naked and screaming, "No, monkeys! No!"
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2017
Being a toddler is a lot like a bad acid trip.
"So can you tell us what makes you qualified for the position of hostage negotiator?"
— full metal mommy (@FullMetalMommy) May 4, 2015
"I have a 2 year old."
"You're hired."
A dog once waited in the same spot for 9 years for his dead master
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 15, 2016
My 2-year-old is doing the same thing for an empty push pop I threw away pic.twitter.com/aGBOh9jAxd
You haven't known suffering until you've taken a 2-year-old shopping for a birthday gift that isn't for them.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) September 3, 2016
I know my 2yo loves me because I'm the one he runs to when he's stuffed too much food in his mouth and needs to spit it into someone's hand.
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) February 23, 2017
Our 2-year-old has reached that adorable milestone where he communicates through unintelligible words, screaming, and physical violence.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 3, 2016
Just fell down the basement stairs. My 2-year-old saw it and was concerned, so he walked down to kiss it better - and stepped on my balls.
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) April 12, 2016
Telling a 2 year old "Don't make a mess" is like asking me to give up wine. It just ain't gonna happen.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 8, 2015
You know you're crushing this parenthood thing when one of your kids says your 2 year old is drinking coffee and you don't even investigate.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) January 30, 2016
How a 2.833333 year old plays hide and seek. If I can't see her face, she must not exist right? #SchrodingersKid pic.twitter.com/8CTYAh1wor
— Brachmann (@VivaBrachmann) November 30, 2016
I wish I loved anything as much as my 2yo loves her shadow.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) February 25, 2016
Snapchat brings out the true essence of my 2yo. pic.twitter.com/NduXAa1X9j
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) February 18, 2017
Child's new thing is to spin in circles till he's dizzy and falls down. This is the 2 year old equivalent of going to the bar.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 24, 2016
I guess "please poop on the potty" sounds like "please poop on the coffee table" to my 2-year old son.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 17, 2015
I told my 2-year-old to get toilet paper to wipe her nose
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2016
She grabbed half a square
I told her to get a big piece
She came back with this pic.twitter.com/0X0lzH5Xmu
You think GG Allin did some fucked up stuff? Come meet my 2 year old that's learned to take off his diaper.
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) January 19, 2017
Two things:
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 11, 2016
1: 2yo has begun wandering the house, creepily asking "Mommy, where are you?".
2: I am now in a horror movie.
My 2-year-old threw a temper tantrum because she wants to eat cereal but both her hands are full of stuffed animals.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 18, 2016
The struggle is real.
It has taken my 2yo less than 24 hours to make friends with the mannequin heads that hold my grandma's wigs.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 5, 2016
The ultimate toddler paradox: an unstoppable 2-year-old meeting an immovable sliding glass door.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 19, 2016
Want to know what privacy looks like when you have a 2 year old? This. pic.twitter.com/4Y1jfvhvpN
— Brachmann (@VivaBrachmann) September 18, 2016
Doorbell just rang. My 2 year old:"oh! It's chocolate!"
— Stephanie Rodham D (@StephDsays) October 11, 2016
I like the way you think, sister.
After 10 hrs of flying, my 2-year-old emerged from the plane, ripped off her diaper and peed on the tarmac. Girl knows how to make a splash!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 24, 2016
FYI if a 2 year old gets ahold of a sharpie, she'll make Anna & Elsa look hard as hell pic.twitter.com/eOU70rMdGZ
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 9, 2015
My dad gave my 2-year-old a birthday candle to lick. He ate it instead. And then threw up on grandpa. Happy birthday! #parenting #Family
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) April 17, 2016
My 2-year-old threw a fit because I didn’t let her wear two shoes on the same foot.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
I’m no longer sure which of us is being unreasonable.
A 2-year-old's sole purpose in life is to make as big as mess as humanly possible and then scream when you try to intervene.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) February 1, 2016
2-year-old: *offers me imaginary food* Eat it.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2017
Me: Mmmm. Yum.
2: You ate dog poop.
Nothing creepier than your 2-year-old making intense eye contact while peeing on the potty. A real power move.
— Jessica Grose (@JessGrose) May 23, 2015
The difference between my 2 year old and a tornado in my living room is that a tornado doesn't pee on my floor.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) February 26, 2015
I've never shorn a wild badger, but I assume it's just like giving my 2yo a haircut.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 26, 2016
One thing I admire about my 2-year-old is that he'll step on your face with his shoes on if you are lying on the floor. He doesn't care.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 6, 2015
