Five-year-olds are a really special bunch.
Out of the “terrible twos” and “threenager” phase, they’re part of what some parents call the “feisty fives” or “ferocious fives” (or even the “f**king fives”). They’re learning so many new skills, asking more and more questions and saying the darndest things. And as with pretty much any age, 5-year-olds also have creative ways to frustrate the hell out of their parents.
We’ve rounded up 43 funny tweets about parenting 5-year-olds. Keep scrolling for some hilarious anecdotes and musings.
I just want to be as excited for something as my 5yo gets when I let her use scissors and glue.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 25, 2017
Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 25, 2016
5yo: Do we have to decide right now?
5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 15, 2016
Me: What?
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
Me:...
5yo: Now they look angry.
Alright, who switched out my 5yo's Star Wars gummy vitamins for ones that are exactly the same but apparently "TOO SPICY"?!?
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) August 11, 2015
5-year-old: *puts a lightsaber in her backpack*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2017
Me: You don't need to take that to school.
5: Will they give me one there?
Parenting a 5 year old is seeing a commercial for a shower seat and thinking "Man, I've gotta get me one of those"
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) September 14, 2017
Me: I'm making supper. What would you like?
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) February 28, 2017
5yo: For you to never die.
Me: "Can I take a picture of you?"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 4, 2017
5yo: "Yes, but only if I can stand like THIS!"
Me: "That is absolutely no problem at all." pic.twitter.com/WlUYKAV66D
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she's resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 27, 2017
I asked my 5yo to be quiet while the toddler naps, so now he's yelling "SORRY!" every time he makes a sound.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 22, 2017
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 28, 2015
I've learned that the quickest way to humble yourself is to challenge a 5-year-old to a memory card game.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 9, 2016
Me: I'd really like to have kids who behave in public.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 10, 2017
My 5yo: Well, you could try getting new kids.
5-year-old: My sisters are always around.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2017
Me: They live here, too.
5: They don't have to.
5yo: I don't need to take a bath. I took one last year. @ethankurz
— Rebecca Hanover (@rebeccahanover) September 11, 2017
Out holiday shopping, my 5yo says she wants to take pics with her friends. Your friends aren't here, I say. Yes they are, she says. pic.twitter.com/rtBtpu5CRe
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) December 23, 2016
Me: I told you to clean your room.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2017
5-year-old: I'm done.
Me: There's still stuff everywhere.
5: You don't understand. I'm DONE.
5yo kid: 42 lbs
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 16, 2017
5yo kid in soccer cleats who's about to step on your bare foot: 647 lbs
-science
My 5yo learned how to tie her own shoes, and now we are a captive audience to her newest act. There are 864 daily performances.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 27, 2017
Thanks to my 5 yr old son screaming "What's this?" while holding it up, all the parents at swim team now know I have a tampon in my bag.
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) June 15, 2017
My 5yo would rather murder your whole family than find out she got less ice cream than someone at the table.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 6, 2017
My 5yo is crying because his brother refused to pretend to be a dog so they could play fetch. We have an actual dog. This is parenthood.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 2, 2017
[Family Meeting]
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2016
Ok, how much toilet paper do you use per wipe?
*5 year old holds up a wad the size of a t-shirt*
We've found the culprit.
The relief you feel as a parent when your 5yo asks how babies get out of mommies tummies, but doesn't follow up by asking how they got in.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 26, 2017
Being the mother of a 5yo boy means I just reflexively pointed out a fire truck to an adult female co-worker. She wasn't that excited.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) March 28, 2017
"Daddy, I love your singing, but it's really annoying."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 2, 2016
Ah, the compliments of a 5-year-old.
Probably not a good thing when I get home and my 5yo runs out in her underwear and says "MOM WAIT OUT HERE FOR A MINUTE I NEED TO CLEAN!"
— Court (@Discourt) June 13, 2017
5yo: I'm hungry
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) July 27, 2017
Me: No you're not. You're just bored. Find something to do
5yo: I have something to do
Me: What?
5yo: Telling you I'm hungry
My son does this every day after getting off the bus. Am I raising a 5yo Spicoli? pic.twitter.com/PGfWrqPhI8
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 23, 2017
[dog pees on kitchen floor]
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 14, 2017
5yo: [notices pee puddle] OH NO WAS THAT ME?
Me: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 26, 2017
5yo: "A unicorn."
Me:"No, a job."
5: "People would pay to see me if I was a unicorn, Mom!"
My 5yo showed a great understanding of financial savings when she said she'd support me not buying myself stuff so she could go to Disney.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 12, 2017
5yo got tired of wearing her giant Jo-Jo bow & gave it to me.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 29, 2017
I stuck it in my own hair, forgot about it, and now I'm ridiculously adorable.
I haven't updated my wardrobe in a decade but I just bought clothes for my 5yo's doll.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) May 30, 2017
This is motherhood.
Someone drove a motorcycle down our street with no muffler & my 5yo shook his first at the sky, "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS... IN REAL MONEY!"
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 10, 2017
5: How come we never do anything fun?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 13, 2017
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
When I asked 5yo if he ate bkfast he said "I threw it in the garbage" & there it was, next to any illusions I'd had abt enjoying fatherhood.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 5, 2016
I wish I was as confident about anything in life, as my 5yo is strutting around the house with his shoes on the wrong feet.
— Mike Cruse (@PapaPreaches) April 27, 2017
5: OMG, what is that smell?
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) September 2, 2017
Me: it's fajitas.
5: I want that smell at my wedding.
"I don't know, maybe God dropped us when we were babies?"
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) May 9, 2017
--my 5yo explaining butt cracks to her little sister
Me: "Oh you're giving the peace sign in this picture."
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) August 20, 2017
5yo: "You mean the 2?"
Me: "It means peace."
5yo: "I'VE been doing a 2."
Anyone want to borrow a 5yo who wants to lie in the middle of the living room floor but also doesn't want anyone to look at him?
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 7, 2017
My 5yo was told "no" by my partner. She came to me smiling & whispered "dad, want to pretend to be the boss of the house for a few minutes?"
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) April 3, 2017
