A year ago this week, I had never seen a Twilight movie. Then I liveblogged three Twilight movies and kept a running diary of my experiences at a screening of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.
One year later, I thought to myself: You know, I really should complete the cycle and keep a running diary the final Twilight film during the press screening on Wednesday night. (Or, maybe I got an email from my boss stating that I had to do this. You can believe either version.) Here, without further delay, is my running diary of Breaking Dawn Part 2.
5:15 p.m. I'm leaving the office a little early and at least three people have asked where I'm going. I keep avoiding the answer as if I'm on my way to buy bestiality pornography.
5:25 p.m. I'm in such a fog of dread about this evening, I didn't even notice that I sat down on an uptown R train right as an older gentleman was also looking to take the same seat. Now I don't know what to do because he's not that old. In other words: It will not be a good day the first time someone says to me, "Oh, sir, please take my seat because it's obvious that you are old and need to sit." I like to think that I'm doing him a favor by not giving him my seat.
5:55 p.m. Trying to beat the line for this screening, I perhaps overcompensated because I am literally one of the first three people here. Which means, yes, I am officially on display one of the first people in line for a Twilight movie.
6:05 p.m. Another movie writer that I know, Rudie Obias, just approached me and said, "What's wrong? You look miserable."
6:25 p.m. In the theater, that same writer, Rudie, just said, "This is exciting. It's like watching Star Wars." No, it's really not.
6:55 p.m. I hope they got Adele to sing the theme song.
7:05 p.m. As the lights dim, a young female lets out a very loud audible groan. Not a groan of displeasure, one of, "I physically can't wait one more second." I can only assume that, for Twilight fans, this is similar to when you really have to pee, but you don't notice it that much until you're directly in front of a urinal.
7:05 p.m. People are cheering the Twilight logo.
7:06 p.m. As Kristen Stewart's name is displayed across the screen, one fan took this opportunity to unleash a very loud, "boo."
7:06 p.m. A smattering of cheers for Robert Pattinson's name.
7:06 p.m. Very loud applause for Taylor Lautner's name. Obviously there are a lot of Abduction fans in attendance.
7:07 p.m. There's no reaction one way or another for Michael Sheen's name.
7:10 p.m. Now that Bella is a vampire, it seems the only difference is that she wears more eye shadow.
7:16 p.m. The award for "first unintentional laugh of the evening" comes as Bella fights, then eats, a cougar.
7:20 p.m. Taylor Lautner's first scene, surprisingly, involves him with his shirt on. Though, his nipples are showing through his shirt. (Why I noticed this, I would rather not know.)
7:22 p.m. Bella's dad appears for the first time in this movie and, even a year later, I swear that he still looks like Jimmy Fallon with a mustache.
7:23 p.m. Yep, there's Taylor Lautner with his shirt off.
7:40 p.m. I had been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I've finally admitted to myself that I don't know who any of these people are. Watching four movies in one day last year was like when cramming for a test, then immediately forgetting everything as soon as the test is over.
7:47 p.m. I have to say, Taylor Lautner has really white teeth.
7:55 p.m. "Benjamin can influence the elements." I feel this movie is just making stuff up at this point.
7:57 p.m. So, when did each vampire get a special power? Is this new?
7:59 p.m. During this introduction of all the new characters with special powers that will be helping the Cullens, I swear I won't be surprised if the next introduction is, "And this is Iron Man. He will be helping us, too."
8:03 p.m. Kristen Stewart's always-monotone voice-over explains that 18 new vampires have showed up to help the Cullens. Hey, that's the perfect number for two new baseball teams if they choose to play again.
8:14 p.m. Edward just gave an impassioned speech on why it's so important to fight the Volturi. I feel this speech would have gone over better if Edward were not wearing a hoodie.
8:20 p.m. I'm starting to think that this isn't a very good movie.
8:30 p.m. Right before the climatic fight, I love the, "Oh, God, what did I get myself into," look on Elizabeth Reaser's face.
8:33 p.m. Michael Sheen may be the greatest living actor.
8:36 p.m. And there's a beheading.
8:38 p.m. And there's a second beheading.
8:39 p.m. And the third.
8:40 p.m. Remember when Anna Kendrick was in these movies?
8:45 p.m. Apparently beheadings is the official death of choice for every single person in this movie.
8:46 p.m. The audience is actively cheering each and every beheading, regardless of affiliation.
8:47 p.m. This is officially my favorite Twilight movie.
8:49 p.m. Well! Something unexpected happened in which I can't write about for fear of spoiling the movie. But, I will say again: This is officially my favorite Twilight movie.
8:55 p.m. A giddy realization just set in that I will never have to see another Twilight movie ever again.
9:10 p.m. Beer.
9:22 p.m. Another beer.
9:35 p.m. Two beers in, I'll admit, I will miss Jimmy Fallon with a mustache.
9:49 p.m. Three beers in, I wonder what Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing right now. I wonder what they talk about.
10:05 p.m. Another beer.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
