Two Christian Fundamentalists Walk Into A County Clerk's Office...

MAN: We'd like to get married. To each other.

WOMAN: Yes. We believe in the traditional definition of marriage. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

CLERK: Of course. Right away. Just fill out these forms.

Couple fills out forms.

MAN: You hear about that clerk down in Kentucky, the one refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples?

WOMAN: We think it's wonderful she's taking a principled stand based upon her deeply-held religious convictions. The law of God transcends the law of Man.

CLERK: I'm glad you feel that way.

MAN: It's terrible she's being persecuted like that. It's all part of Obama's war on Christianity.

WOMAN (confidentially): We hear he's a secret Muslim!

The clerk stamps the forms.

CLERK: Here are your forms. Congratulations, you are now husband and wife. Now which one of you do I strangle?

MAN: Excuse me, what did you say?

CLERK: Which one of you do I strangle?

WOMAN (laughing nervously): That's funny, I thought you said "which one of you do I strangle?"

CLERK: I did. I'm a Thuggee.

MAN: Um, we don't listen to gangsta rap music...

CLERK: Not a "thug," a Thuggee. We worship the bloodthirsty goddess Kali. We believe in human sacrifice. Now which one of you do I strangle?

WOMAN: You're joking, right?

CLERK (offended): I would never joke about anybody's deeply-held religious convictions, especially my own. I'm taking a principled stand by strangling one half of every couple I marry.

MAN: Wait a minute! I know what you're talking about--just like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom! The brown-skinned fellow who rips out people's hearts with his magical powers. Honey, don't pay him no mind--he's just ribbing you.

CLERK: Certainly not, sir! Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is crass commercial Hollywood garbage! Thuggees don't rip out people's hearts!

MAN: See, honey, what did I tell you?

CLERK: We garrote our victims with our ceremonial scarves, see?

The clerk shows them his ceremonial garroting scarf. It is well-worn.

WOMAN (staring at the scarf): But murder is illegal!

CLERK: The law of God transcends the law of Man.

MAN: The Bible clearly says that murder is sinful! It's in the Ten Commandments!

CLERK (shrugging): You have your God, I have mine.

WOMAN: There is only one true God!

CLERK: But which one is it? Is it your Jehovah or my Kali? I prefer to let the Gods sort it out among Themselves. In the meantime, I am but a humble practitioner of my faith. Now which one of you do I strangle?

MAN: C'mon, honey, let's get out of here! This guy's nuts!

He grabs her arm and drags her to the door. But the door won't open.

WOMAN: Oh my God! The door is locked!

CLERK: Of course it's locked. Only one of you will be leaving here alive. Now which one will it be?

MAN: Now see here, this has gone on far enough! You're not strangling anybody! Unlock that door this instant, or I'm going to be forced to forget to turn the other cheek and kick your ass!

CLERK (pulling out a gun): Please don't force me to use this inelegant device. It ruins the ceremony. Kali will be displeased.

WOMAN (sobbing): This is the worst wedding day ever!

CLERK: No it's not. It could be worse.

MAN: How could it possibly be worse?

CLERK: You could have gotten an Aztec county clerk. They believe in cutting out the still-beating hearts of their victims and offering them to Quetzalcoatl, the Winged Serpent God.

MAN: You've got a point.

WOMAN (curious, despite herself): Are there many Aztec county clerks?

CLERK: You'd be surprised. We have an aggressive diversity program. That's how I got this job.

MAN: Well, honey, I guess if it's gotta be one of us, it's going to be you.

WOMAN: Me? What about you? What about all that "till death do you part" stuff?

MAN: See, that's the thing. We are at the death part. Now it's every man for himself.

WOMAN: Yes, but why me? Why not you?

MAN: Honey, we discussed this. You said you would be a good submissive Christian wife. The man is the head of the family.

WOMAN: But...

CLERK: If we could move along, I do have other couples to grant marriage licenses to today, you know.

WOMAN: Okay, but first one question--do you do this to same-sex couples? The strangulation part, I mean?

CLERK: Certainly not! What do you think I am, a pervert?