If you are anything like me (and let's face it -- if you're a woman, you are because we both have boobs), you may find yourself running late. There are often tough choices to make in the morning in order to get back on track once that snooze button cycle has begun.
You may be sleepily wondering, Do I teach the kids how to jump out of a moving vehicle (it's all about the roll) or skip mascara? Do I eat toothpaste for breakfast or do I put pants on?
Sometimes, unfortunately, with all these choices our appearance suffers. No longer will I let that happen to you (bosom buddy.) I have outlined below the top tricks that time management haters don't want you to know when it comes to getting ready quickly. You can have that extra five minutes of sleep and still get to work before first break. Here is how:
Open eyes wide, and BAM! You look like you have bigger eyes.
Bonus tip: remove the crusties from your eyes. Removing eye debris makes your eyeballs appear up to 33 percent larger (made up percentage).
After applying lip gloss, grab a powdered donut. Extra powdered sugar will cling to the gloss and give dimension. Lighter color in the center makes your lips look 21% big enough for your face.
Bonus: your stomach won't growl at the meeting you are running late for.
You really should have had them waxed this weekend. It's too late. Let's fill them in to cover up the stray hairs. Use coffee grounds from your first pot of coffee. Don't be afraid to go full unibrow. For today, you are Natasha. Confidence is key in this one. Also, how are you at a Russian accent?
Bonus: add a beauty mark with a sharpie to detract from the creepy eye toupees you put on your face. I am 100 percent sure I should have done a test run prior to telling you to do that. Sorry we ruined part of your face and you're too late to fix it. We'll make it up in the next one for sure.
If you are feeling that you need cheek color, cut in line at school drop off, at Starbucks, or at the subway station until you find two people to slap your face. This is imperative: they need to slap opposite sides or you will be uneven.
Bonus: a punch to the mouth is a good lip plumper, too. This tip will help you bypass lines and get the sought-after looks from the runway.
We both know that you're too tired to run to the store for face wash after the day you had. Why not cleanse your face with baby wipes (preferably unused)? If it's good enough for your baby's ass, it's good enough for your face.
Bonus: you'll go to sleep dreaming of diaper changing as the smell imprints on your subconscious.
That concludes my invaluable, life-changing guide. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments. Also let me know how well these worked for you. Unless they didn't work. Then you probably should use your time a little more wisely.
This post originally appeared on http://www.sammichespsychmeds.com
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