Sure, I could be one of those performers who bitch and moan about how backwards Hollywood and the world of entertainment is. How it seems some of the least deserving people are catching all of the breaks -- that or they're sleeping with the right people. But I refuse to do that a) because that's not my style and b) that's not the focus of this article. I'm absolutely going to talk about how backwards Hollywood is but for an entirely different reason.
I am a professional stand-up comedian whose resume includes Comedy Central, VH-1, Oprah and Howard Stern. I even did a nearly two-year stint on morning radio with Satan -- I mean, Don Imus. I share that with you to say I've got some cred -- street cred and actual credits. You can even check out some of my stuff on YouTube should you be in doubt. But the most ridiculous thing happened this past week. After 18 months of back and forth from NYC to LA I finally got another an agent -- well, the collective I did, as in my fetus got an agent! Yeah, that's right, my freakin' baby got real life bona fide representation for television, commercial and print work!
In case you're missing the irony or aren't quite sure what a fetus is -- I'm talking about the unborn child that I'm currently carrying. The same one that I dish about on my humorous blog: www.DiaryofaPregnantComedian. I figured I'd start milking this kid before it starts milking me. I got to get my work on now since I'm just months away from becoming a walking talking mini-bar. Or I suppose in my case an all-you-can-eat buffet since I've officially gone from a respectable 34DD to being able to share bras with Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. But I digress.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm excited for my little one. I truly am, but I'm also dealing with some other emotions that run the gamut. I'd be remiss if I didn't admit to being a touch jealous. I mean I've been busting my hump for years, I've got hundreds of open mics and crappy road gigs under my belt and this kid is just going to show up and start getting seen for network spots? There's also some intrigue going on -- I'm quite curious to see how this whole process works. Lastly, I'm toying with the emotion of being utterly appalled. I honestly had no idea this could even be a possibility, but I guess newborns are all the rage in Hollywood and if the timing is right it can be a lucrative type of thing. WTF?
What I've also learned is that there's a very small window for this type of work. The baby has to be at least two weeks old. (Way to go child labor laws.) Legally he or she must be 15 days old. Also in grand Hollywood tradition the baby can't be too fat. Seriously. The cut off weight is 10 lbs. So if you've got a porker on your hands it's bye-bye red carpet dreams and you can kiss MTV visiting your crib (literally) good-bye. Then to top it off, after you've gotten too big/fat for the newborn roles you're lucky if you can get anyone to look at you again until you're around six months old and you'd better have sitting up by yourself down as one of your "special skills." Jesus, this business is so fickle!
This all just happened this week and since the infant in question still has many more months to cook, my husband and I haven't decided if we're going to go the celebrity baby route or not. I mean it's such a crapshoot. We could end up with a Brooke Shields or by the same token we could end up with a Corey -- Haim or Feldman, neither of which ended pretty. But whatever we decide to do will be in the best interest of our baby and as God as my witness we will NEVER appear on Toddlers and Tiaras or any facsimile.
Karith Foster is a comedian and humorous speaker who performs at colleges, clubs, organizations and corporations across America. Visit her website www.karith.com for more funny and to find out how to bring her to your event.